____________________ X: I rushed up the stairs to the room with my face in a permanent frown. I could hear her small feet racing up the stairs to keep with my pace still confused . It had been that way since I made my decision .
My decision to be alone was hard to make but it was right. I can't keep breaking the only person holding me up. I can't keep pretending I'm deserving of the love. I can't keep feeling and it's something I knew would be hard to explain . We were toxic and toxic things never end in paradise. I was pulled out of my thoughts and packing by a pull on my sweater .
" What the fuck are you doing Jah ? hello" she asked confusion riddling her voice , the anger she held prior seems to have disappeared when she realized I was serious.
" I'm leaving , this isn't okay anymore." I replied calmly continuing my packing . She chuckled as if what I said was amusing . She would figure out how serious I was soon. I knew she wouldnt let me leave without issue so I had already contacted ski and the guys to come help .
I had been with her for 4 years and known her longer. I knew exactly what would happen.
I heard the door open and made my way to the steps not prepared to see her running to me .
" What's wrong with you it was one argument and you're gonna leave ?" She questioned running past me into the closet attempting to remove my clothes from the bags I had packed.
I sat quietly watching hoping she would tire herself out. she was strong now but knowing her that would switch soon.
I took out my phone making myself busy before it was snatched from my hand.
" What bitch are you texting now Jah, what bitch you fucking done got your head so FUCKED up !" She yelled throwing my phone at the wall.
I finally spoke raising my voice slightly , I didn't want to scream because knowing her she would cry.
" I don't have to have a reason bruh we been together 4 years and im tired " I told her walking past attempting to grab my phone. She yanked me back by my hood before I could reach it
" If it's not a bitch what's wrong huh? I didn't do anything wrong ! What did I do !" She screamed finally breaking down sliding down the wall in front of me. I told my self I prepared for everything. I didn't prepare to see her cry .
" It's not you " I repeated looking her in the eyes hoping she would see the truth in them . She continued sobbing ignoring my statement completely. I decided to tell the truth and I knew that would hurt her more than another bitch would.
" I fucked up , I fucked her and I lied and I can't keep lying to you " I spoke looking down . It's like the whole world stopped and all I heard was a sharp intake of breath.
" No you didn't, y-you promised you wouldnt do that anymore " she spoke wiping her face and trying to smile I looked into her eyes hoping she would see the truth.
" You joking right Jah, it's not funny" she spoke looking to the hallway at ski hoping for some assurance. " I did , and I'm sorry baby . I know I fucked up and I gotta let you go I'm fucked up and I don't know what's wrong with me " I told her trying to comfort her as much as I could .
" You love her , you gonna go be with her jahseh ?" Her screams shocked me , my heart continued to shatter at the sound of her voice cracking. I had done it I hurt her.
" NO I DONT LOVE THAT BITCH, I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME , I LOVE YOU I PROMISE -" I shouted across the room growing frustrated that she would question my love for her . I was interrupted by her rushing to me slapping my face .
" Youre a liar Jah , you lied to me . I never hurt you but you keep fucking me over why" she continually punched me anywhere her small hands would reach and I took it not flinching once . "Youre so selfish jahseh " she cried out finally breaking down .
She still kept swinging on me her hits getting softer and softer as her body slumped to the floor .
" I'm not selfish baby I promise you , I'm broken and I don't know what's wrong with me . I have to let you go . I can't keep ripping you apart and I don't know how to stop don't you get it " I slightly raised my voice growing frustrated at her lack of understanding.
She stared into my eyes years flowing freely as I tried to get her to understand.
" I love you but I have to let you go , I have to be alone so I can't hurt you " I told her rubbing her head as she had done me so many nights that I woke up from bad dreams. This wasnt a dream though . This is a heart and I can't keep breaking it. I exhaled deeply missing her forehead and standing up. I picked up my bag from the bed and replaced it with her. I watched her closely as I walked across the room the the hall.
She followed me still questioning . "But wait you can't leave me , I can forgive you I promise ." She spoke barely above a whisper.
Looking back I noticed she hadn't left the middle of the room .
" I know you would , you would forgive me for things I could never forgive my self for, and that's why I have to go. " I closed the door letting the guys know to stay with her and hopped in my car. I don't know where im going but I need to let her go. As I drove the words I wrote earlier floated through my mind .
"You're good today you're gone tomorrow I carry my heart on my face
I'm so depressed What good is sex?
I pray that you would love me less..."
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