Chaotic mind

Remembrance and forgiveness

6:30am. July 19th 2018. Remembrance and forgiveness.

Bolt upright I sat, sweating from the heat of the summer,  scorching my bedroom and myself.

It felt like the clock was judging me as the time blinked in that typical green fashion 10:23am. I practically jumped from my bed.

I rushed around my house, gathering my things to go to the beach. It was my day off and I was going to make the most of it.

Deciding not to shower until after the trip to the beach. I threw a bag with everything over my shoulder and headed out.

I get to the beach. Set up a sunbathing chair, and close my eyes. Peace over taking me. The sound of the sea drifting back and forth.

It was shortly interrupted by an unfortunately familiar voice. The approaching sound of an old friend.

His voice calling out to me was not the thing that worried me. It would be the person by his side. Holding his hand.

I sat up and turned around, immediately noticing the awkwardness in her face as she stood behind my friend.

Ethan was like me, broad shouldered, bearded, and a whole lot of love for those they care for.

It had been nearly six months since I had last seen, or even spoken to Charlotte. God. Had things ended that badly between us?

Ethan came over to hug me and I happily excepted. Still not even a glance from Charlotte, she didn't even move.

Seeing them together.. It was something I had always found difficult. From the day I knew about them.

That being said Ethan was my friend. I had to support him. Besides, I had moved on right?

Things were not okay. Ethan knew that, but tried to ignore the situation. Keeping attention focused to me.

The conversation ended shortly. Soon things dried up and the air became thick enough to cut like a cake.

Ethan returned to Charlotte and they carried on their way. Past me. They were walking home I think.

"See you around Charlotte" I had.. Almost hoped to say to get a response. Just a wince, and a slight change in her walking.

Clearly. She couldn't stand talking to me.

I spent a few more hours at the beach before heading home. I live not far from the beach. So it only takes five minutes.

I walked past some close friends, sat on the field behind my street. They all called out for me but I was in no place to talk.

Unfortunately they were persistent and decided to jog to catch up to me. Clearly catching the stains on my face.

That was it. They had walked with me to my house and refused to leave me until I spoke. I told them everything.

Charlotte and I's story. The good, The bad, The unimaginable and the end. All the way to the aftermath.

 They practically hugged me to death. I'm sure I stopped breathing at one point because of the mixture of bodies.

No more than the time it had taken to shower and get dressed a knock, louder than a hammer on an auction table, erupted. 

"For Gods Sake" I shouted. "Who is it?"

"It is us Matt," a symphony of four voices called from beyond the door. Through the stained glass I could see five bodies.

I very cautiously opened the door but at the first sign of life they practically kicked it in and entered.

Totally caught off guard I fell back, catching myself on the stairs.

Standing, shadowed at the back of the five. The figure steps forward...

Charlotte.. Why.. Why are you.. ? I asked. My voice nearly none existent. 

Oceans of tears welling in my eyes and the lump in my throat made it impossible to finish my sentence.

I didn't need to..

She stepped inside and my personal four horseman of the apocalypse stepped out, closing the door as they left.

"Matt, You're right." She whispered. Tears, in her eyes just as in mine. "We need to fix this"

How could she possibly expect to walk in and do so. But we had too. For ourselves, for what we had.

We went to the lounge, sat with cold drinks in our hands. Cooling down out of the hot weather.

We spoke about life. How things went wrong, how sadness developed in to hate. Hate in to anger.

Anger at ourselves, and each other. For the smallest things, to the biggest sins. 

We spoke for what felt like hours. Things were looking up, and then I felt my arm shake.

It was my brother, next to my alarm clock...

6:30am. July 19th 2018. Remberence and Forgiveness.