WOW This whole process is really satisfying like sitting down at my computer and writing you know like idk the setting is really nice hmmmm its like writing a script which im probably really bad at as well even though ive never done it lol. im using this as my notes when I really want to write a story but idk what i expected because i literally just opened this and started typing with no type of planning or nothing lollolol but i really do srsly want to write a book i love typing things out wow i actually really like typing hm this is 100 words so far. so basically maybe ill talk about myself um i hate myself <33333333 very much and currently am sitting in my basement to escape my father's disgusting presence <3 um idk i really feel like *triggering shit here teehee* fucking killing myself but will i ever? probably not hahaha there's no easy way so oh well but i also fear death and i feel like ive had opportunities to die when ive been sleeping which i chose no but then again maybe im just crazy hahahah im really sad and i don't really know whats going on around me and ive been really sad all day but um besides that i start senior year like next month!! at first i was really confident in it like yeah im gonna go in and im gonna own that shit but now its like oh wow ew i really dont wanna go back and it makes me sad but "positive energy positive outcome" right??? hahah my whole life has literally been complete trash and although im 17 i dont feel like "living" anymore even though technically ive never "lived" because one becomes concious of their own body is what were gonna use to describe me declining mental state <33 my back hurts :( but anyway ever since maybe 7th grade is when i started noticing like "hey im fat!!1" and i started hating myself :( which is sad because i never even had a chance to experience what its like to love yourself for the person you are i just went straight from some boy who 'definitely' wasnt happy because of home situations but i didnt have the extra burden of fucking hating myself and being miserable every time i step out of my room! but every year since that year ive gotten progressively worse and i dont know how to get better lol like i literally go to therapy and im not sure| acutally i do know because like my lovely therapist told me i hold myself back from self acceptance and self love because im fat or because of my voice and i just dont know why i wont let myself yanno ? be happy ahahdjksjksd um im not sure what to write but currently beyonce is the only thing keeping my alive because i get to see her in person on august 13th 2018 <333333 after that i literally could care less about living because like whats the point lol ill just have to start school and be miserableand work at a job i dont wanna go to and honestly no one will really give a fuck because i literally impact no ones life like it really couldnt matter if i was here or not and that kinda sucks ?? to not be appreciated?111!!1 i just feel so empty and unimportant like whats the point of being here when no one even cares if i am or not.. no ones life would be different if i wasnt here except for my parents and that would actually be better for them ebcause its not like they care about me either and they could've left eachother a long time ago instead of waiting for me to grow up to get a divorce.. but i used to feel like oh im gonna be this big star and this director and im gonna be great and people will finally appreciate me!1 and i honestly dont feel that haha i guess the amount of miserableness - ew not a word i dont think lol anyway - blocks my stupid fantasies haha im literally so tired of myself and i feel like dying because genuinely whats the point of being on this earth just to be a FUCKING ROACH ugh i- .. anyways this is 735 words oh wow. i always talk about how i want to delete social media cause like whats the point no one talks to me anyway right like inayah for example haha hasnt texted me in MONTHS and idk how i feel about that maybe i need to realize the people grow apart and that we were never really that close anyway. she always chose other people over me anyway i dont think she realized that though i just wish i could have one friend to just fucking appreciate me and make me want to realize theres a life worth living yanno and not someone elses best friend or apart of somebodies friend i mean obviously people have friends but i want someone to be my friend for once and me not be a 3rd party sidekick its really sad to realize that your life has really had no impact but then again who can i really blame for that other than myself - god im fuckin hungry - anyways stream barbie tingz on itunes <3!!! *muah* lol im literally the worst eW i dont even have itunes sjsjsjjs i wanna get to 1000 words since im already fuckking at 937
