Dazed

Poems and Woe's

"Alright!" Monika cried, like she does every day for the last 30 minutes of the club. "Time to share poems!" 

Oh yay, everyone's Favorite time of day. A sarcastic comment that applies to everyone but Sayori...it would seem. I do find it weird how we've been doing this since the start of the year, and still no one's comfortable with it. Monika's even taking it a step further and made it so we have to do them in front of the club now. Even though it's only the five of us, it's still nerve racking for some reason. That being said, I should be thankful for small crowds. It was always the same order. Monika led (as an example), then Sayori out of pure excitement, then Natsuki went (basically because Yuri and I never wanted to go next) Then me then Yuri...real simple really. 

However These last few weeks haven't been simple. A sense of isolation brings no new ideas. That's where I was, that's where I am. It's become very apparent in the poems I write, they lack emotion, they lack feel, they lack reason. It seems they're just built on lacking. Now when I finish my turn, I don't get recommendations, I don't get people who like them, there's a collective nod from the room as if to confirm that "yep, that is indeed a poem" and that's about it. No matter.. either way. That's just how it is these days. Yuri's are completely different these days, before they held a deep, reflective, personal and symbolic tone. Now they seem to be about people, about someone, about not being with that person. Strange indeed, she doesn't seem like the type of individual who would write about such things. Be that as it may, it's not my place to question. Silence falls upon the room afterwards, at least for me it does, three of the girls go to talk on a common ground, whilst Yuri and I sit and read. We read alone. Both to our books, although mine is not much of one..and when I say read, I mostly mean looking around the room as the time passes. If you couldn't tell I'm not much of a reader. I do notice however that she tries to bury herself in hers though. I feel uneasy like this. A tension in the room that you can't quite see, only sense. I decide to humor myself in the process. I pick my book up, walk across the room, and sit next to Yuri on the floor. Her face looks up in a mix of surprise and confusion.

"Mind if I sit with you?" 

"N-No! Not at all."

Taking that as an invite...because what else would it be. I sat down next to her. 

"I thought your poem was really good today." I chose to initialize the conversation. 

"Really? Thank you..I liked yours too." 

That's a typical response one tends to get when they compliment another persons work or image. I do find it strange how I did like that she said that, even though I knew it probably wasn't true...but maybe..She seemed surprised at my comment, perhaps a note to something, but I didn't care to think too in depth about it.  

This is usually the part of the conversation I would try and find a string to certain likes and interests shared amongst the two participating individuals, however dialogue crafted in my mind sounds a far more stupid when you say it out loud...

"Do you like it here?" 

Hearing that, My head turned swiftly as if coming out of shock. I wasn't expecting her to start the discussion.

"What?--Oh! yeah yeah, I do...It's definitely not what I expected, that's for sure."

"Good! I'm glad you enjoy your time here. I--I was worried you weren't going to go through with it...that is..If you still want to stay for the rest of the year..."

Granted we were only 3 months in, but I did genuinely like the club. It was a good place to just go and relax after school..I mean, it's not like I was going to do anything productive at home anyways. The only stress of it would be the poems, but as time goes on, they start to get easier..The idea's start to run out, but you become more automated. Can't complain about the company either. Being stuck in a classroom with no one but 4 exceptional girls is not something to whine about, if I do say so myself. Especially when they are all here to discuss literature. You don't get any small talk conversations where you are the only person who knows interesting facts about almost anything. You may even learn something yourself here from the others. 

They all have their perks. I don't talk with them enough to learn their flaws, and why would I want to learn those anyways. I have a feeling they know mine though. I'm not an open person, and it seems a lot of the time that hurts me. I think they can tolerate me being here however, it seems they do enjoy the short one to one conversations we have from time to time.

"Of course I plan to stay! No point in going this far and then just dropping it right? Besides..There aren't any cupcakes at home." 

A small giggle is what I received for what I thought was a witty comment that may have deserved more...but no one (especially girls) laugh at my jokes anyways so I should take my wins with my losses.

"Very good point you have there. Not many things compare to Natsuki's baking." She said, looking towards the table where today's assortment of sweets were placed, then looking back at me..with a smile. An oddly warm smile. I find it strange how the human mind can experience different emotions and sensations, based on who says/does what.

"Your tea might be one of them." --That's me. Trying to form a compliment...told you it sounds dumber out loud.

"Aw heheh..I don't know about that.." I could see she was turning a little bit red in her cheeks "A-Ah! Speaking of which..tea sounds good right about now." With that, she stood up and waltzed over to where the classroom tea set was sitting. She had an odd sort of confidence when she walked. I checked my phone. The only notification that greeted me was the time. 

3:30 p.m. 

3:31 p.m text from: Sayori - 'Are you winning?!' 

...winning what? I thought to myself. Sayori was the kind who was usually under the impression that everyone already understands the context before she says it. 

'Winning what?'

'the thing!! You know, does she like you yet?!'

I'm confused as to where she got that idea from..I don't remember what I did to give her that completely out of the blue thought..

'What are you talking about?..What makes you think she would.' 

'Oh don't try and act all surprised, we know the way she talks about you ;)'.

'What?? Wait how does she talk about me??' 

Spoiler alert, I never got a reply on that...Not too long after that, Yuri returned with two cups of tea. 

"I uh..Thought you would like one a-aswell.." her unsureness was very present in her voice

"Oh, yeah sure...thank you"

The leveling here is a little awkward..me on the floor while she's standing. However, not for long as I take my cup, and with that she sits down next to me, picking up her book and continuing to read. It could just be me overthinking the situation, but it almost feels like she's closer than she was before she left.

At this point she did something unexpected. She closed her book and put it to her side. She looked at me. 

"I have something to ask you...i-if that's alright..."

"Oh, yeah of course.."

"Well...the festival for the clubs is coming up..and I was wondering if...you'd like to help me with some of the decorations..you don't have to! It's okay if you don't want to..."

...RIIIIIGHT. That's a thing..that's coming up. I completely forgot about the festival, and I was supposed to pick a selection of classic poems to read aloud. (I have a feeling Monika enjoys watching me suffer...) Well considering I could also use some assistance in that sense, I suppose the quick solution is-

"I'd love to!" I let out a small chuckle. 

her eyes widen at that response, as if she expected me to say no.

"Oh! Thank you.." No thank you, I thought to myself "I have a feeling this will be much easier with you around.." 

With that, we exchanged contact information just as the day ended. I looked at my watch as I packed my things into my bag. 

3:55 p.m 

The girls left the class one by one, first Natsuki followed by Sayori, then Monika and finally Yuri. I was always the last to leave. As Yuri waltzed out the door, with her books to her chest, she turned to look at me, and gave me a somewhat sophisticated smile.