Abnormal Psychology - Binge-Eating Disorder (?) / Appetite of a People-Pleaser

Eating Disorder?

In my Abnormal Psychology Professor Snow spoke about Binge-Eating Disorder, they don't know if it's real or not, they think it's a possible disorder. A disorder where you binge eat, the opposite of anorexia in which you have a distorted body image and you eat or purge according to what you see. Bulimia is when you don't have a distorted body image but you binge or purge to maintain a certain desired body weight or appearance.

Sometimes I wonder if I have this new one, the binge eating disorder which means you just binge for apparently no reason at all. Anorexia and Bulimia have to do with feeling out of control in your life, you feel the need to control something so you choose your body weight or appearance but they're not quite sure why someone would just binge. I feel like maybe I'm someone who has it and I feel like maybe I can explain the thought process.

Binging does give you that sense of control. It's just a different perspective. The idea is to speed up the dying process. To make yourself purposely unhealthy but in one of the most passive ways possible. Eat more and the more likely a heart attack or something else will happen that'll kill you naturally.

When I'm eating I feel this compulsion to eat everything on the plate, everything that's horrible for you, everything that'll kill you in the long run. Why? Because I feel like nothing is in my control. I feel helpless, aimless, completely useless and I feel purposeless. I feel like a waste of space and money and when that feeling is confirmed I turn to food. I can control what I eat, what I don't eat, I eat everything delicious and I avoid anything that isn't. I enjoy the taste and I know that despite what my mother and everyone else wants that I won't be skinny, I'll be unhealthy. As unhealthy as possible because it's easier, it's so much easier to control being unhealthy rather than healthy, it's so much easier because it's what mom wants and I don't want to do what she says. I don't want to be around longer. Not when she's more concerned about money instead of whether I eat. If it doesn't matter as long as it doesn't cost you and you don't have to know about it then I'll hoard all the junk food I want and I'll devour it knowing you wish I was thin and pretty like other girls. But I'm not mom. Every time you tell me to be healthy or to make a healthy decision I instead choose something unhealthy because I don't want to do something that'll make you proud. I've tried.

I've tried so hard to do that in the past.

Sometimes you would remember, you'd praise me but somehow it feels empty when you say you're proud of me for my good grades and it feels real when you say it because I took a walk. I hate how it feels when you look at me like me walking is equal to me spending eight hours drawing something.

I hate how concerned you act about my physical health but what about my emotional and mental health? Sometimes I'm coming apart at the seams and your answer to everything is you gotta exercise. I know. I know exercise is important but when you say it I hate you. It's embarrassing. Sometimes it feels like you're embarrassed I'm your daughter and I look like this and I don't need it. I know what I look like. But whenever there's food in front of me I have this compulsion to eat everything horrible and to eat it all as quickly as I can. I hardly chew, I get heartburn and acid reflux almost daily and I don't say anything. Eating causes me pain but I still do it to spite you. I'm trying to speed up the process.

I can't stand how you look at me sometimes like you want more from me. I hate how sometimes it feels like I wasn't worth the twenty dollars you spent on me. I hate how Sam gets a free pass sometimes and I get the talking to and it feels like it's because Sam exercises and because I don't I'm given a harder time, I'm under more scrutiny.

I know I have a terrible relationship with food. I'm trying to fix it but every time you remind me to do something healthy I crave sugar. Leave me alone, I'll fix it myself, stop reminding me because the more you do the more I remember that I'm not good enough, I'm not healthy enough, I'm not enough and I have to eat something that satisfies my craving perfectly. Like the song appetite of a people-pleaser, , the lyrics explain the feeling:

Ideas forming out of thin air
These indulgences none can compare
So many flavors that one would abhor
Even though I've had enough, I still demand:

Give me more!

I need a whole personality
Something inordinately sweet
Order anything you'd like
Nothing's changing my mind

I don't care how unhealthy it is
'Cus there isn't anything I'd rather be

Call me obsequious, I guess I'm a bit dramatic
Sometimes my appetite is eerily erratic
Give me your dire expectations, and I'll consume perfection
You are what you eat, after all

Everything
Combines into one
So many flavors that one would abhor
And I know I've had enough, I've gone too far

Now that I've become a full-course identity
Take a bite of me
I hope that I've become a favorable delicacy
That I'm worth something

I'll eat 'em all, the thoughts of anyone I'll ever meet
Just to make them happy
Wondering why I'm a burden, or so it seems
Aren't I everything?

Maybe if I try a little harder, it will be okay
One day
Keep on eating more and more
Divide my life away
Into servings
And go beyond the point of no return

I know I'm subservient, but all of this is necessary
Sometimes my appetite is violently contrary
Irreconcilable perceptions appeal to my obsessions
The nausea is overwhelming

Whether I've been caramelized or rotten to the core
Which one should I be?
'Cus I dunno who I'm supposed to be anymore
And it's sickening

I'll overeat the implications of your thoughts
Just to make you happy
Nonetheless, I feel my insides are tied in knots
Aren't I more than everything?

I'm a recipe for entropy
I'm too overwhelming
Give me your validation
I can taste your apprehension

These flavors of personality are
Hindering my likeability
My impulsive desire, my appetite has
Spoiled my urge to satisfy

Everyone will like me more without it
Everyone will like me more without it

Now that I've become the perfect identity
Take a bite of me
I hope that I've become a flavorless delicacy
That I'm good enough

And now that I've become the perfect identity
What else do you need?
'Cus I dunno who I'm supposed to be anymore
And I'm starving

I'll purge 'em all, the thoughts of anyone I'll ever meet
Why aren't you happy?
Nonetheless, I know my insides are empty
Aren't I more than everything?

Ironically, because I'm crying while typing this I actually didn't eat much. I slowed down and ate slowly and for once I feel empty and full enough. Both empty and full of emotion. Maybe writing that has satisfied my need to indulge in my feelings. I feel like I just purged. Proof writing is important.

I should clarify that I didn't look at my psychology notes while writing this so it might not really be accurate. I should explain the reason I say binge eating disorder versus bulimia or anorexia is because I don't think I have a distorted body image unfortunately, I look how I look and I don't purge, I don't do it to be healthy or to maintain a certain body image. I do it because I don't have the guts to do anything more destructive. I'm sabotaging myself because I can and I want to in a way.

Not all the time but sometimes I recognize that I do it purposely out of malice and lately while trying to be healthier I've noticed I've eaten more than I should and I eat fast and I can't seem to help it even when the food is hot. Somehow writing this has helped. Maybe it doesn't make sense, maybe I'm just rambling but I kind of...feel better after typing all this and I have this weird want to post this places. Maybe for help, maybe to see if someone else feels the same way? I'm not really sure but I'm never really sure half the time anyways.