Escaping Reality

Honestly, I need to live in reality. My life sometimes feels like it has just been full of pain, though at the time I may not have felt it. I think I'm feeling it all now – the situations that I didn't know were bad but were. The things I should have forgotten by now have all come back to slap in the face in the form of depression. It's like raking through my life with a fine tooth comb and feeling everything and anything that I never wanted to feel before. My senses are heightened. Everything is larger than everything. In this chaos, I created defence mechanisms to help me get through everything – to keep me sane. However, with time these things became my downfall. They became obsessions. They became more than defence mechanisms, but attachments. They became extensions of myself to give me the things I lack in life like love, family, companionship. Belonging. These things I speak of are my virtual world and celebrities. My virtual world has given me a home, friends – things that I don't feel like I have in real life. I have a home, but it's not a home if you don't feel comfortable. It's not a home if there is hostility in the air and you feel like you're constantly walking on egg shells. My virtual world gave me a home, an unconditional one. One that I could return to after making a conscious decision to leave. One that would be there no matter what because those living in the home loved me enough to forgive any mistake I made or to let a minor detail like my personal preferences impact their love. I had a real home. A true home. A home I've never had in real life. I had friends – people who shared my beliefs and interests. We were carefree and living life recklessly, but not regretting the choices we made, just enjoying each other's company. Seemingly so simple, but in reality so difficult. They, celebrities I admire and envy, give me what I have never had for the past two years – a sense of belonging. I feel accepted here. I'm not ashamed here. I'm not afraid to be who I want to be here. Here - listening to their music. I'm divided from the outside world. I'm away from numbness and fear and am allowed to be here. Feeling every sensation whilst ignoring every thought that crosses my mind. I relate to the words. Mouthing each syllable to block out the noise around me in my home, to numb the pain. I can block out the blood, the tears, the grudges, my fears. Everything that makes me feel so small and inadequate on this earth. They understand me. They see me for who I am and not how others see me. To say they are a figment of my imagination hurts me because how could they have done what could not be done on earth? How could they soothe the pain? How could they give me hope in a world where it seems to be dying? How could they make me feel invincible? Like I could do anything I set my mind to. An escape from the earth. An escape from my mind and an escape from me. I have come to learn that I can't live in this perfect imaginary world. I have to face reality because facing reality is the only way I can have my dreams in the light instead of the dark. It will be more challenging than my imaginary world, but I don't have a choice I need to move and I need to start now. I need to let go. I need to learn to love myself. I need to learn that I can achieve all of these things in real life. My imagination may seem to help me cope with reality, but how am I coping if I am fleeing and not facing reality? Tears will be shed and blood may be bled, but I will learn to stand on my own two feet. Independent, strong and moving on. Not wasting any more time on others and spending all my time on me. Becoming my own first priority. It's the only way to be free.

22/07/18 12:27