How veganism is helping me to overcome my eating disorder.
During the depths of my eating disorder, I was completely controlled by an anorexic voice – a voice that would never leave, looming always over my shoulder. This voice would scream at me for eating, bullying me for every calorie I consumed and telling me I didn't deserve it.
No matter how hard I tried I could not overcome this voice. I was tubed... force fed; because I didn't have the courage to confront this lethal disorder. For some, an NG tube is a lifeline and can help people in their recovery but for me it was the opposite, entirely.
I would fight and scream and avoid being hooked up to the feeding machine at all costs. It is a part of my life that brings tears to my eyes every time I think back to that terrified little 14-year-old me. There is really no way to describe the intense fear I would feel as the liquid calories slowly made their way up the long tube, climbing up, getting closer and closer to my nose. I'd frantically pull away from it, in a desperate attempt to stop it in its tracks, even if that was impossible. The only way I could describe it is this: imagine that you are being held down by strangers and they have informed you that they have been instructed to saw off your arm with a blunt pen knife and no anaesthetic – wouldn't you still try and escape, even if it was futile?
As it passed up my nose I knew that it was it – it was entering my stomach. A thick, sticky and foul-smelling liquid full of unfamiliar ingredients that knocked me sick. Brown... almost as if it has already been in somebody's stomach.
Every 'feed' felt like a sin. I was dirty inside. Unclean. Impure. I would scratch at my stomach for hours, wanting to crawl out of my skin. Sickening, and worse I'd have to sit for hours ruminating on that brown sticky liquid slowly being digested in my stomach. The juices slowly breaking down the fats and proteins. My stomach full, sore and bloated.
This wasn't recovery.
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How Veganism is Helping me to Overcome my Eating Disorder
Non-FictionA short insight into how, by adopting an vegan lifestyle, I was able to avoid a second hospital admission and began to start living my life again!
