I Will Find You

One

My alarm clock buzzed in my ear, echoing through my empty room. Matt had left early this morning for work so the queen sized bed we shared was only occupied by me. I rolled over and silenced the annoying tone. I was never really asleep anyways. I laid awake all night, thinking.

My father was a topic that used to cross my mind often when the wound was fresh, but as it scabbed over, my memory faded. I didn't even know the last time that we spoke. It had been years, we used to attempt contact but eventually the absence ripped us completely apart. I thought I had surpressed the memory deep enough to avoid the subject altogether for the rest of my life, or atleast in my perfect little bubble that's how it would be. But I suppose bubbles do burst, and Miller Market's star cashier was the one holding the needle.

'So, when's the big day?'

Her voice sounded like she smoked a pack a day since she was about sixteen, her stained teeth confirmed my assumption.

I blushed and let my eyes fall back down to the silver band on my thick finger. Self consciously I hid my hands under the jacket I had carried in and reconnected with her eager gaze.

Her hair looked like it had once been blonde, but now just a dingy yellow. It was full of volume and

White Rain hairspray, I could smell the chemicals killing her brain cells as she incorrectly rung up my total. Her red lip stick was brighter than the open sign that hung in front of the store. Her name tag read 'Tammy' with one of those notebook hearts beside it. She looked every bit of thirty-five with a pair of shorts on that said pre-teen. I just smiled softly, suddenly not feeling so bad about my manly hands.

'We haven't set a date yet.' I replied uncomfortably, shifting my weight as she took her time in continuing my purchase.

'I bet your folks are excited, my mother about died when Richard asked me for my hand.' She smiled and watched me fumble with my wallet. 'Credit or debit?' She asked as I finally pulled out the plastic card.

'Debit.' I didn't bother pointing out the obvious error she had made while typing in the totals, it was already awkward enough for me to be engaging in the small talk she had provoked; I was never good with conversation. Social anxieties had prevented me from excelling in this area.

She made the transaction and asked me to enter the PIN number.

'My daddy took a while to come around though, he thought Richard was a bit, irresponsible, in fact, be wouldn't even walk me down the aisle on my big day, broke my heart.' She poked her bottom lip out and sighed. 'But he finally accepted Richy after I got pregnant, guess he didn't really have a choice. But, I guess that's just how daddy's are, you know how it is.'

She gave me a big grin, waiting on my testimony of how tricky fathers can be, unfortunately I had no story. I barely had a memory anymore. I just stared at her long and hard, I saw how innocent the comment was; she didn't know. How could she? Even though it was unitentional, it was painful. I stood there looking at her and I thought for a minute. I felt the pressure build in my chest. Her grin was fading, even brain-dead Tammy felt the tension between us.

I just picked up my groceries and exited the store before I let her see the tears in my eyes.

I sat down in the front seat of my car and just stared out the window. I hadn't noticed the rain when I was storming out of the building. I watched the streams fall down my windshield. I felt numb. Like an ugly black hole was forming inside of me. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander to old memories.

It was hard to remember. I had pushed that part of my life so far back that retrieving them now seemed impossible. I couldn't recall his face, or his laugh. I couldn't remember what his embrace felt like, or the way he talked. For years I cried, terrified I would forget, as his memory faded I lost hope. The bitterness grew inside me, it swelled up in my heart, to the point that I tried to lose the picture. I begged for God to take it away, if I forgot him I wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't miss him.

But as I sat in the parking lot of Miller's Market, I cried with the rain. I wanted nothing more than just to remember.