i hate him. » ashton irwin

'goodbye' is all i need

        “Okay. If this is the last thing you ever see from me Ashton, I can live with that.”

        I’m done. I’ve had enough of this. Us. I just want you to know first off that it wasn’t the last thing that I saw you do that made me want to end that so called beautiful thing we had between us. What made me want to end it was I always kept going back, looking for an excuse to keep us together and make everything okay but this time I didn’t have the strength to find another excuse or even make up another one as I knew there wasn’t going to be one this time around and thinking about that just kills me inside. I mean, are you happy that you have me here asking myself how do I keep going when the worst thing has happened to you? I loved you, Ashton. I loved you so fucking much and I really hope you know that. I loved that stupid cheesy smile you’d always give me when you looked at me with your hazel eyes. I loved the way you’d say things in that Australian accent of yours. I loved the way you’d make me laugh, no matter what the situation was. I loved the way your hair looked in the morning when you first woke up. I loved the way you’d say good morning with a kiss. I loved the way you held me in your arms, whispering those stupid, now meaningless sweet nothings in my ear. I loved when you said 'I love you.' to me everyday even though it probably was a lie. I basically loved everything little thing about you Ashton but now, here I am, feeling like i’ll never be happy because of you and I hate it. Hell, I think I can say that I hate you. If only I knew what does a person has to do to change inside. What does a person have to do to survive without someone who meant so god damn much to them? What do I have to do be happy? Please, tell me as everyday it just starts to get worse and worse and I can feel myself falling. I can’t miss you anymore. I don’t want to miss you anymore but sadly, my heart has different plans. Maybe if you gave me that simple little goodbye you never gave me i’d be fine but now you leave me here wanting to just fold up and stop everything. You have me to the point where I don’t want to think anymore because when I do, all I think about with you. You. You. You. That’s all it is and I can’t stand it.

        I’m sorry. What am I thinking? I don’t expect you to understand what i'm talking about. You never have. You don't think I know what you've done but guess what? The secrets out. I know i'm not the only one anymore Ashton. I wasn't even at the start.