What Ifs And Why Nots Before Tying The Knot

Chapter One

He was too precious to even think about. He was too precious to even think about writing about. I am only writing now to put out the flame of a candle that never burned.

I never would have done this, if Chris hadn't proposed. I still feel so bad for what happened two days ago. It was supposed to be a nice dinner at our favourite restaurant. It came as a big surprise, and it was supposed to go great what with the violinists and the singing waiters and the girl was supposed to say yes. To be honest, I don't know why I didn't at the moment. There was no reason for me to say no — which I didn't either.

Let me tell you what happens to stupid girls stuck on silly first loves.

First, he graduates from high school, she graduates from high school, and she keeps thinking about him daily, enacting all the different possibilities of them meeting again and falling in love.

After five years, she thinks of him less, but still holds him dear to her heart, and thinks of him with fondness.

After ten years, she begins to realise that whatever fantasies she'd had were probably not going to happen in this lifetime.

At the fifteen year mark, she starts to wonder if maybe she should just date for the sake of dating. It seemed like what everyone else around her was doing. Like one of those things where there's no harm trying.

Sure, I had had guys chase me before. But it was never something special. I knew how I had felt about him; and once I had defined my own definition of love, I couldn't settle for anything less.

But everything was less in comparison to what I'd had with him. Had, didn't have, almost had — whatever it was, I just knew I couldn't settle for less. I would say I was fair to the ones who tried though. I always gave the guys a month or so to try to let the feelings develop. They never did.

At thirty-two, I felt it was hopeless to continue waiting for a love that never blossomed. It was impossible. I didn't even know where in the world he was right now. And I doubted he did too. That's why when Chris asked me to be his girlfriend, I decided to say yes. I was tired of waiting for something that would never happen. I was tired of waiting for someone who would never appear in front of me.

We had been casually dating for a few months. Chris was nice to talk to, easy-going and had a pleasant face. There was nothing wrong with him. I had thought it probably wouldn't be a big change from what we had at the moment. He would continue to take me to dinner, and I would remember his birthday. He would take me to the movies, and I would take care of him when he was sick. He would bring me to parties, and I would laugh with his friends. The best part was, we never fought.

I never understood why couples fought. If two people wanted to be together, they would want to be happy together all the time. So why would they fight? Chris was good at dating. He was doing everything right. Yet, he still couldn't get the girl to say yes.

The difference between casually dating and having a relationship is that people usually get into a relationship with a significant other when they have marriage in mind. Clearly, I learned that the hard way. After a few moments of the most excruciating silence I'd ever experienced in my life, I told him that I would consider the proposal and that I wanted to take a break from our relationship. It would just be a short break. I would probably say yes to Chris after a month. I had thought I would take a month to decide what I would do.

*

I logged into my old email - the one I used when I was in high school. I was surprised that I could still remember the password for it.

I began searching the inbox for a name. His name. His precious name. One email that came up.

I held my breath.

It was a group email sharing a link to a shared google  document. It's been so many years.

Looking at his name on a screen after so many years, I couldn't help but recall; the only text I'd sent him was to wish him a Happy Birthday in our second year on a Saturday.

He didn't reply.

But he did come up to me in school on Tuesday to thank me for it. I was so happy...

After all these years, I still blushed at the thought of it.

I chickened out in the end. I didn't dare to email him directly. I ended up emailing his friend (his email address was in the shared document too) to ask him if they still kept in touch. He replied the next day and said that the last he heard from him, he was a six-hour train ride away.

That wasn't too far from here. Nowhere could be far enough to stop me. I booked my train ticket immediately.

*

I pictured how this scene would unfold before my eyes a million times before. But I never would have expected it to be like this.

Who would expect to see their high school crush fifteen years later on a skateboard and hanging onto a moving tram on the road from the window seat in a restaurant?

I almost choked on my coffee.

My eyes widened.

I pressed my head to the window. But the tram, along with my knight in a shining skateboard, had already turned the corner, out of sight.

Overwhelmed, I leaned back into my chair and sighed. I should have known that I would see him again like this. I was surprised to even be surprised. I smiled at this familiar feeling.

He was a good six meters away, but I knew it was him. I would know that face anywhere. I really didn't think I would see him on my first day here. It was a good sign. I'm glad that I hopped on that six-hour train here. Now, I was more certain than ever that I was in the right place.

I would find him tomorrow. Tomorrow. Not today, tomorrow. I will definitely find him. Tomorrow, yes. Leave it till tomorrow. Just one more day. I had his address in my coat pocket. I reached my hand in to make sure it was still there.

In the past, I remember that I was always the one looking at him. Looking for him. Even after graduating from high school, I continued to use him as my motivation. For everything. I wanted to be physically stronger. For Cyan. I wanted to be able to run faster. For Cyan. I wanted to become smarter. For Cyan. I wanted to become prettier. For Cyan. I wanted to become more beautiful. For Cyan. For Cyan. For Cyan.

For years, that's what I kept telling myself. Because I believed that we would meet again in this lifetime. Because I wanted to. I guess deep down I always knew I would do this - find the courage within me to travel halfway across the country to somewhere I'm not even sure he lives.

I'd almost half-expected him to forget me. Or rather, not remember me. But I couldn't bring myself to think about what if he didn't remember me for as long as I had remembered him.

*

I remember once, three years after I'd last seen him, I thought I saw him again. I was having dinner with my family in a neighbourhood not too far away from home. We were sitting outside. I saw two boys following their petite mum along the corridor.

From where I was sitting, I could only see their back view. One of them looked so much like him from the back. I had almost wanted to call out his name. But then I remembered, I was having dinner with my family. How embarrassing would it be to stand up and call out a crush's name while having a family dinner only to have people turn around and realise that it wasn't him at all.

That was the only chance I'd gotten, but I didn't take it. After I went home, I told myself that I was stupid for not taking that chance. Even then, I still loved myself more than I loved him. I still loved my pride more than I loved him.

That's when you ask yourself what you treasure more, your pride, or another person? Since I hadn't called out to him then, did that mean I didn't love him enough? Would I ever be able to love him enough then? In the way that he deserves to be loved? Because he deserves all the love in the world.

If I couldn't give him that, then I didn't deserve him at all.