Cancer, it's a small word but it has such a huge impact on everyone around you. Sometimes it is self imposed damage, but sometimes...it hits those that seem so innocent. Cancer is the only thing in the world that has no prejudice. Young, old, black, white, poor, or rich it doesn't matter. Our family has cancer.
As we sit in the car that is the only word that comes to mind. Cancer. She was her own cancer, my mother that is. We had a great life. Our parents never seemed like they loved each other, sometime I would wonder what they ever saw in each other. What they had was more of a mutual hatred than a love. The more Dad was away the more she smoked and the more she drank until she was a shell of a person.
She smoked during her pregnancy, she drank during her pregnancy, and she popped pills. She told me one night that she hated this baby as much as she hated my father and wish they both were dead. She had a miscarriage when she was 5 months pregnant. That is when my Dad left for good. He said he couldn't live with her after that, that she was a monster. A monster that's what he called her but he left us with her. I was 11 and what little bit of childhood I had left was gone from there on.
By the time I was 16 we had moved about 4 times a year. We lived there just long enough to get put out for not paying rent. Most kids at 16 are too worried about getting their Sweet 16 party and car from their parents. I was too busy worrying if mom was going to be awake in the morning or if she was even coming home that night. I had been working part time for 2 years at Kroger's, it wasn't much but it was enough to feed us kids. She was so out of it she didn't know I was working for the first year I worked. "You're so dumb I just figured you had after school detention" Is what she told me when she found out. For my 10th birthday dad gave me a savings account, that's where I kept all my money because I knew if she got a hold of it, we wouldn't eat again.
I dropped out of high school that year. Mom had a new boyfriend. He was no good for her. They got arrested one night because one of his friends OD at his house so cops came and took them all. She came home about 3 days later. I remember those 3 days were so peaceful. She found out she was about 3 months pregnant later that month. Her boyfriend stayed around for a little bit and he made sure she didn't use. But she still drank. He left when RJ was about 2 weeks old. He said he was headed to get diapers and never came back. RJ, Ronald Craig Howard Jr. So I became a mother at 17 to a baby that never seem to have that same spark in his eye that every other baby does. I hated leaving him with her when I went to work.
Like I said, she was her own cancer. Slowly killing her and steadily destroying those around her. I wasn't the only she was destroying though. I have a sister. I tired to guard her from as much of it as I could but it she is affected. She is so smart, a straight A student. That's why I had to drop out because she is too smart to have to worry about everything like I did. She is going to college in the fall. A full ride, all without help from a mother. See she is 18 now; I'm 20 and RJ 2 going on 3.
So that's how we got here. Sitting here in this beat up Chevy Blazer in a Wal-Mart parking lot somewhere in between where we want be and where we been. All our possession pilled up in the back, which is mostly baby stuff. We haven't seen Mom in over a month now or so. We put out a missing person report about 2 weeks ago. We assumed the worse and decided it was time to start over someplace new. Jessie will have to live on campus, all freshman have to. RJ and I will have to find a nearby apartment.
"Carrie, are u still awake?" Jessie asked from the passenger seat.
"Yeah, I'm up, you ok?" I was up, had been for hours now just can't seem to sleep. I just can't seem to get my brain to turn off.
"Are you ok? It's like 2am."
"Yeah, I'm fine Jessie, I'm just people watching," I laughed slightly, the kind of laugh you do to mask a lie. I'm not FINE, I haven't been fine in a long time. "You wouldn't believe what wear into this place at 2am. It's great stuff!"
"O, ha yeah look at that guy over there." She pointed to a round little man wearing what looked to be a clown get-up.
"The Return of IT!" We both laughed. "SHHH please don't wake him up, go on back to sleep."
Jessie yawned and said "Ok, keep an eye on IT for me."
See Wal-Mart is open 24 hours a day. So if you park there and sleep for the night you won't have to worry about them calling the police on you when all the employees go to leave for the night and see you there sleeping illegally. It's not too comfortable but it is free and there is a restroom inside so no need to search for one.
Tomorrow night we will stay in a motel. We are all in need of a shower and a nice big bed to crash in! Plus we are all getting tired of seeing the inside of this truck. Traveling with a squirmy 2 year old isn't exactly fun for more than a few hours straight! Potty breaks and the usual 'I'm bored' come into play often.
Am I doing the right thing? Should we have abandoned the thought of waiting on our mother? Why should we have stayed there? She abandoned us years ago. Is the fact that she gave us life enough to wait around for her? Do we owe her that much? She left us, and we are just trying to move on. I'm doing the right thing, right? What if she tries to come back and take RJ? No she can't have him back. She doesn't deserve him.
Before we left I made sure I took all of our identification. Birth certificates, social security card, library cards whatever. If it had our names on it we took it so she would have no way of finding us. I even made sure to make a copy of her birth certificate and social security number, just incase for some reason we should need to use them. We left our cell phones although; they were in Mom's name. In her name but I paid the bill like always. We saved the numbers of people we wanted to keep in touch with and knew they wouldn't divulge any information to Her. Nobody ever really knew who we were so they won't miss us when we r gone.
Egh! It's now 5am and the night sky is starting to fade into day. Guess I won't be sleeping tonight then, because they will be up in about an hour and it will be time to leave this little town and get back on the road to Ohio.
