Sherlock swears he hears a whimper escape your mouth before it clasps shut and you suddenly turn heel, speed walking back towards the restaurant with one hand on your forehead and the other hugging yourself much to his surprise and terror.
He's immediately rushes after you, easily making it to your side after a couple of long strides, although, his presences does nothing to slow your quickened pace. Even his distressed words do nothing to stop your path as you try desperately to escape your current situation," you can't keep running away like this; not again! I want to know why this time! I...I know I shouldn't have- not then, not now, but (Y/n)-"
He grabs ahold of your arm a bit too roughly, finally forcing you to a halt. Even then, you keep your head down, your hair covering your eyes as you turn your body to face away from him. Sherlock sighs, nearly breathing out the next word that leaves his lips," please...I just want a reason this time...I've watched you all night. Your pupils have been dilated, hands sweaty, and you've been more physically affectionate towards me...unless I'm mistaken those are all known signs of feeling a deep affection towards someone else, but anytime I act, you're always disgusted...what am I missing?"
"I...I'm not disgusted, I-I just...I don't know..." you're voice grows meeker with each word.
"What don't you know?" The question comes out so desperately.
"...I don't want to go through this again-" Your voice is even quieter this time, barely audible yet he still hears.
"Through what?!" He raises his voice a bit without much thought, an action that is followed by him tightening his grip on your arm. He immediately regrets both actions especially when noticing the way you flinch and pull away from him, your whole body visually trembling.
"EVERYTHING!" You cry out even louder than he had, your nails digging into your hair against the throbbing of your head. You know you should be trying to smooth your nerves, but you just can't seem to focus through the aching of both your body and heart," I...I had just went through everything with Apollo when you confessed a-and I didn't know what to do! I'm sorry that I avoided you afterwards and I know you didn't deserve it- you never have, but I just panicked because it's you and I did want to be with you and I still want to be with you, but at same time, I'm scared, Sherlock! I'm scared that I'll just be doing Apollo all over again if I date you! I'm scared that if I take that chance I'll only get hurt all over again especially the way I did with him...I-I just can't do it again!...I...I'd rather keep you at arm's length and have you think the worst of me than do any of that again..."
Your knees feel weak, your lips quivering as you continue to stare at your shoes which you can barely see through your own tears. Sherlock's hand falls from your wrist at last, his voice a whisper,"...you wouldn't have to. I would never dream of hurting you let alone the way he had...you don't really think I would, do you?"
"...I-I don't, but...it just isn't that simple, Sherlock..." you hopelessly sniff, squeezing your eyes shut which causes more tears to slide down your cheeks. You feel shameful with your own words and doubts of Sherlock, doubts you know he doesn't deserve. Deep down, you know he'd never hurt you and yet each time you actually consider letting him in completely, you begin to have second thoughts. Even over dinner, you began to feel okay with the thought of tonight being a date, but the second he kissed you, confirming that he truly does care for you, all of those fears returned. It's pathetic...
Sherlock stares down at you with a frown, feeling like an idiot for not understanding it sooner. After all these years, he thought you had turned him away because you hated him, but that was never the case...you're just afraid and you have every right to be.
Realizing your inner doubts without you having to voice them, he ever so carefully places a hand under your chin, directing you to look at him," Apollo had a twisted obsession with you, using forms of gaslighting and blackmail to keep you with him. He did so by minimizing the importance of your own feelings and only focusing on his own desires even from the first day, did he not?"
When you glance to the ground, he moves his hand up, placing it fully against your cheek where you can feel his warmth," while I can't deny that I'm obsessed myself, unlike Apollo, I value the way you feel. I value you regardless of your flaws or how your feelings may contradict my own desires...If you really don't want to be with me, then I'll give you all the space you need. Hell, we can even pretend none of this has happened if that's what you want. You can still stay at Baker Street and I'll still keep you safe from him. There's no need for you to ever feel stuck with me or that you have to avoid me.
"...But if you do want to be something, then I promise you you'll always be safe from even me because I promise I'll never lay so much as a harmful finger on you. I know words do little to soften the trauma you've been through, but we can also try to find ways to make you feel more comfortable. We can take things as quickly or slowly as you want and if you end up deciding later on that it isn't working out, you're completely free to make that choice. My feelings and treatment towards you will never change depending on what we are to each other. You will always be my (Y/n) whether you're my friend or anything more."
Your hand slowly moves over his, holding it to your skin as if it manages to make all of your worries melt away. There's a pause of silence before you finally speak against the nerves bubbling in your stomach," do you...do you really think we could be something? Do you think 'we' could work?"
"I'm...not sure, if I'm being honest," he admits, his thumb rubbing against your skin," John told me these types of things are experimental. I can't promise I'd ever be a perfect boyfriend or even a good one and I can't give you what other men could. I don't really understand most 'normal' things, but I can offer you safety and what I believe to be love, after all, I know that I've felt this way for you since we met. I'd say that's something special, wouldn't you agree?"
You smile softly before looking down in shame,"...I-I'm so sorry that I avoided you back then. I never meant to hurt you...then or now-"
"-It was the wrong time to confess then, I understand that, and I understand now why you've been so hesitant. I'm only sorry that I didn't notice it sooner. I think it would've saved us both from quite a bit of loneliness and heartbreak if I had."
"...You know, I think you understand human emotions more than you let on, Mr. Holmes," resting your head on his chest carefully, you listen to the vibration that is caused when he chuckles, wrapping his arms around you softly with his chin rested against the top of your head.
"What can I say? You make me more human, Miss. (L/n)."
YOU ARE READING
|| Be Her Guard || Sherlock Holmes x Reader
FanfictionMycroft had always warned Sherlock that feelings can get in the way, especially when it comes to his chosen line of work. Typically, this would be the one thing the two brothers could agree on, however, when you reappear on his doorstep after years...
