Tears glistened in my eyes as they locked with his, the radio sound fading into white noise. His arm is raised, pressed to my cheek at the sight of a tear, the pad of his thumb brushing it away...brushing my sorrows of the moment away. My body was turned towards him, giving him my undivided attention as pain filtered through his stark brown eyes.
No sound can be heard as his mouth opens, his lips forming the sentence that left me trembling.
"No matter what happens, I hope someone loves and appreciates you as much as I do."
My throat closes up as unwelcome tears sting my eyes yet again, threatening to fall. As I attempt to speak, the words catch in my throat but I force them out, tired of being shy about my true intentions for this man.
"There's no one like that because that person can only be you. It's always been you."
My voice cracks as a second tear sheds, blinking profusely to stop further coming out. My gaze falls back on his again and my body goes rigid. I find myself inching closer, almost hypnotized and beckoned by his eyes to come nearer towards him. My leg is now hoisted, situated where I am now settled on his lap, his hand now having found its way to the back of my neck. My breathing is labored, my heart beat quickening as all sense of logic stops.
Never in my life have I seen the face of pure hunger and lust before that moment, his eyes hooded, staring right into me. His other hand is gripped tight on my waist and my body is paralyzed, melting into his touch, yearning for it, lusting for it...
His plump lips look dewy from the act of his tongue licking them, his teeth following suit as he bites his bottom lip, his eyes now staring down at my own lips. It was like time stopped for those few seconds before doing the complete opposite and racing because, before I know it, his lips are clamped onto mine in an earth-shattering kiss.
And the world fell apart. All logic fell apart. All reasoning fell apart. My heart beat a mile a minute and my hands guided themselves to his body, eager to touch his taut muscles, my body pressing desperately against his. I couldn't get close enough, the smallest of space between us feeling like kilometers apart.
My mind suddenly shot back to the present and I pull away, my breathing ragged and short, eyes wide as I look down at him, realizing what we just did. I just kissed my best friend, my best friend who has a girlfriend.
"This is wrong, we should not be doing this..." I murmur breathlessly, my hands still gripping onto him. The hunger does not leave his eyes, his voice barely louder than a whisper.
"I don't care." He states, and I melt again. He pulls me back in and our hands grab at each other's clothes, the urge to feel his skin against mine sending a shock of adrenaline through me, almost ripping at the buttons on his shirt, my hands pressing against his wide, burly chest. I feel the fast-paced, rhythmic pattern of his heartbeat thudding against his chest, adrenaline coursing through his veins from the sexual tension created in the moving vehicle.
My lips move against his once again, seamlessly fitting together like pieces of a puzzle. He urgently presses his lips harder against mine, earning a low growl from my throat as the carnal desire for each other surfaces, crashing into us like a wave, way more intense than any other moment we had shared before.
It was in that moment that I truly realized that I was hopelessly, and irrevocably in love with him. My best friend, my companion, my shoulder to lean on...he was everything I wanted and more. Nothing mattered in that moment other than what I was sharing with him, no one and nothing was of the importance. No matter the friction between our bodies, it still felt like we couldn't get close enough. He was right in front of me yet I had never craved for him more. I felt so starved of him yet so full at the same time.
Looking back at it, I am beyond words and beyond grateful of the lesson that he was to me. A lesson to love without hesitance and with pure honesty. A lesson that you must be two whole and happy people who aren't looking for happiness in the other, but two happy people wanting to share and experience each other's happiness. Like our favourite colour yellow, our spark was bright and welcoming and warm. The presence of the love we shared was dynamite, and when it blew up it made everything disappear in smoke. When it blew up, everything that was once familiar to me disappeared into oblivion. Our love made me realise change was inevitable and forthcoming, a once familiar path destined to change regardless of how much you would try to stop it. It taught me that instead of trying to pick up broken pieces to try recreate the old, welcome the new or else you'll grow to resent it.
We are totally different from how we were when we first spoke, and I guess I clung so tightly to what we used to have that I forgot to appreciate what was there at the present moment. Our love broke so many times and one day it finally shattered. You can't force tiny fragments of what used to be there to connect to look like the original thing. With love comes sacrifice and acceptance. My first love will be one I'll remember until the end of my days, but I must remember as well that I cannot look for it somewhere else. I must accept a different type of love openly and without expectation.
Dear ex-lover, thank you for the experience of a life time.
