almost >> e.d

005

face reveal ^

dear diary; 23rd june 6:17pm,

fuck.
fuck.
fuck.

never did i think i'd find myself saying that i need ethan, and then ringing him to come over but i did. and now he's in the shower in my apartment because of the news i received. i didn't know who else to call, to come round and help me relax and try and keep myself together. we've only kissed 3 times, yet i'm starting to think his kisses will give me purpose.

i mentioned yesterday that 3 months ago my mom rang me, with news, breaking news... she had been diagnosed with lung cancer. terminal lung cancer... and she was soon to die. and now, earlier today i got a call from my older brother, my mom is... well... no longer here anymore.

i haven't stopped crying since i received the news off my brother. my mom was everything to me, my partner in crime, side bitch, my number one and more importantly my best friend. best friend from the start. it keeps hitting me so hard that i'm never going to see that smile again, her smile was bright enough to make flowers grow in winter. every good achievement that i'll achieve from now i won't be able to call her and tell her what i have done which could make her proud, all i can do is look up and smile with the following words, "i know you saw that."

maybe my mom, would want me to stay with ethan. she was always down and believed in love, no matter of a past. she would tell me that everybody has a past, everybody deserves forgiveness and everybody has potential within. she wouldn't want me to distance myself from ethan when he was my only resort after the call.

when he got here i collapsed into his arms at the door step, i don't know why but i just couldn't take my own body weight anymore. it's like my own thoughts had triggered the nerves in my legs and i collapsed. his warm arms catching me and engulfing me, whispering the soft words, "it's all going to be okay."

but is it going to be okay?

the only person i have ever known to love in this world, has left. cancers a bitch, and i don't know if i can hold on without my mom...

and now i'm going against everything i've been standing for, kissing ethan, having ethan hold me and showing affection. am i... catching feelings.

or am i... reaching for a saviour on my death bed?

... arywn... xo