Here I am, with only you on my mind. Waves are taking my company, while their breeze is gently caressing my skin. Long miles away from you yet still writting about you. You've always been a source of inspiration to me, and that's why you deserve to haunt my thoughts. Your name brings back every memory, every detail, every word said, every promise, every picture, every compliment ... litteraly everything.
It was in one of those lonely autumn nights that it all started. I was so bored and lonely, and social media only made me feel worst, it wasn't what I needed. I needed company, someone I'd share my thoughts and feelings with, someone who'll catch my attention and accept my being a weirdo, someone "special". I knew that that person wasn't gonna cross my path if I didn't start looking for it. It felt like a need, like something that was suddenly missing, an absence. I wondered what could it possibly be, but I didn't know then. I didn't know that your soul was calling me - somehow - miles away from me.
I've always been the kind of girls who always chase their own happiness wherever it is, and no matter how hard it is to get. I've always believed that something you love is something you must suffer to get, you might get down and broken during your chase but once you get it after the harsh war you've been through, you certainly see that's it's been worth it all that time. I've experienced it with many stuff, but never did with a human being. I never got attached and my happiness never depended on a person. Never.
A friend and I were talking and she noticed that I was lost, that I was in need of something. I told her what had been on my mind lately and she shared with me her new hobby. She had an app in her phone that allowed her to check profiles of people that are nearby, they can like your profile and you can like theirs back and " BAM " you guys are - virtually - compatible, then you can start a conversation. It was called: " Tinder ". She said it was quite fun, especially when weird profiles cross your way and that a look at it wouldn't hurt after she noticed that I had a perplex look on my face.
I got back home after a long ass day, same routine then - finally - my daily rendezvous with my bed arrived. I took my phone, and hesitantly typed: T I N D E R. The shiny orange flame logo appeared and so did the bad comments, describing it as a badly reputed app. Voices in my head fought, ones screaming " Go for it " and others whispering firmly " NO." . I closed my eyes and told myself that we only got one fucking life to live and started downloading the app. Once installed I edited the profil and gave it a special sparkle, my own touch - to keep unwanted perverts away - then started my trip trying to chase boredom - and loneliness - away. All kind of profils started to appear: fuckboys, perverts, bullying victims, kids, cat lovers ... everything I was hoping not to come across, but it kept me distracted as much as it disgusted me.
A long week surveying yet nothing happened, so I decided to uninstall it - after one last round - I was convinced that it wasn't the right place for the company I needed.
I was swiping left with a desperate face while a big " UNWANTED " writing appeared on the profiles that didn't interest me at all each time I did, when - finally - one of them caught my attention. This time I swiped right and a huge pretty sentence popped up on the screen: "You are compatible.". I got happily excited and waited for a message. His name was written in white letters under his picture : James.
A normal - kinda boring - conversation started, the ones where you both try to impress each other. He was four years older than me, hollow cheeks, soft pink lips, beautiful face, but unfortunately lived 500 kilometres away from me and only came to my home city for a visit. His english was very attractive and he really interested me at first but the distance killed all the excitement I had.
We exchanged phone numbers, talked a bit on Whatsapp, then I just decided to ignore his messages. It was just, impossible.
Long days passed and I was still drowning in my loneliness, even in the most crowded places : My school. I came back home after a long day, it was - finally - friday !
It was November, autumn days have always been my absolute favourite, so I spent each week waiting excitedly for the weekend. Weekends were my only escape from "too much people". I mean, I'm a very sociable girl who loves to get know new people then impress them with the different things I can do including my sarcasm skills and my weird laugh but I prefer time alone most of times. Having a large circle makes me feel so uncomfortable, because I can't give 100% to everyone around me so I prefer focusing on the very few people in my tight circle. My problem was ... no one was worth it, no one had what I was looking for. I've always tried to convince myself that people will always hurt you and let you down no matter how much they love you, and no matter how much you love them - friends, best friends, or lovers - it's like a reflex that clicks. No one ever understood the real me, no one ever tried. They all enjoy the side I show them all : the "special" wise 17 years old girl who's always funny caring and loving, the girl who shares her hobbies and the things she's passionate about, and does her best to keep a smile on your face to make you feel loved.
But I got used to it, that's why I always do my best to decipher people and try to understand what they hide behind what they want to show us, I put myself in their position and try to think the same way they do to find answers and to not let them feel misunderstood by others - like I do.
I tried to chase all these ideas and just enjoy the sunset from the balcony instead. The cotton-candy clouds blushed at the warm touch of the orange ball of fire, a pastel beautiful sky between magenta, pink, mauve and light baby blue that almost disappeared behind the fluffy clouds. All that was left of the sunset was a dark purple that looked like night blue, that melted away as darkness took over the sky, then a bright star had set, giving way to many others before thick dark clouds hid the whole spectacle. Full peacefulness.
Suddenly my phone rang interrupting my overthinking, it was a notification, a message from HIM ! - James. I almost forgot that we spoke before, the text message said :
" No answer, did puberty hit you or what ?"
Confusion overwhelmed me, what did he mean ? I stopped thinking and just typed " Why the hell are you attacking me like this ? ", then locked the phone and threw it on the couch right next to me.
" If I attack you you'd be dead, 6'4 ft and 90 kgs." The message popped up on my screen and so did a smile on my face. I just have a thing for tall guys - a 5'9 ft tall girl's problem - I just can't resist them. I put my phone down and looked at the heavy dark sky, and thought to myself: tonight we have a new companion.
We had a long talk that night, we talked about everything and anything and - obviously - we were still trying to impress each other. He was the type of guys who do not fall for you easily - my kind.
I've always been the bad lover in my love stories, never the victim. Love was more like a little game for me : Seducing till the other person likes me, then leaving like a boss. It might sound selfish or even abnormal but to me it all makes sens : I only come across people's lives to make them feel better for a while, then set them free. James woke that instinct inside of me, and he was more like a challenge to me. No feelings, no nothing.
We took each other's company for several days, and I was still trying to understand the person he was. If there's one word to describe him briefly it'd be "mysterious". The thing that really caught both my attention and curiosity.
He was careless, emotionless, and as hard as a rock. He wasn't interested in love, he was guided by his instincts instead : desire. But he had that something attractive - besides his rough sexy voice, his hollow cheeks, and his hot body - he had a strong personality, but he was still hiding a lot of things. Openness wasn't his thing, but I was doing good. I was on the right way.
I was too tired, and I had school the next day. Phone on airplane mode, I set my alarm then played my new favourite song " St. James Infirmary by Brian Reitzell " - a song he showed me, his music taste amazed me - and I finally rested my head on the cold soft pillow. Heavy eyelids, I was thinking about how many hours I had left to sleep before 6 a.m. and - surprisingly - sleep visited me earlier than I thought it would that night.
There was no agitation, no dreams disturbed my full 8 sleeping hours and I was - for the first time - so excited to go to school. I missed my friends.
I had three favourite people in that vast place. Grace, my favourite blondie. Her green eyes hid a deep forest, a light green ocean flecked with splinters of driftwood ; she was gorgeous. We've been best friends since our childhood, we got apart at the age of 12 and just disappeared for 5 long years before meeting each other again in the same school where we took seperate ways. Her craziness and so not funny jokes hid a huge heart she had, the kind of friends who never let you down.
Merissa and Astra weren't that close to me. Our friendship was born three months ago since I was the new girl in my school, but it didn't stop them from loving me a lot. Meeting them always made me feel better, there was no place for sadness once we were gathered.
It was time to tell them about my story, the Tinder guy. I thought of different ways to explain how meeting a guy like him on that app was a coincidence then I just thought to myself " fuck it I'll just tell them about him and that's it".
" Girls I met this new guy on tinder " I said, turning my phone to show them a picture of him. They were all interested, and excited to know more except Merissa who had those confused looks on her face. " His name is James right ?"
They were all waiting for my answer, " Yeah, James ... James Hollow Cheeks. How do you know ?" I tried to show them that it didn't matter.
" He used his pick up lines on me on Messenger before, we spoke once or twice I can't really remember. He also spoke to a best friend of mine, I bet that he was flirty with you too ! He's a fuck boy ... Definitely not your type babe get over him, and plus he's 500 kms away from here ! I know you're not into distance relationships. You're not even into relationships."
I didn't know what to tell her nor how to hide my anger at that moment, all I was thinking about is : Was he really just messing around like all the boys on that app ? But, I thought he was special, and he showed me that I was ... why would he fake that for a whole month ?
I realised that I took a long minute lost in my thoughts with their eyes on me, waiting for an answer. " No big deal, he just caught my attention cause he was tall." I finally said, with a spontaneous laugh to look like I'm not giving a single fuck about it. " Yeah, TALL girls problems !" Astra jokingly said, we all laughed and they forgot about what happened after the teacher came into the class. The break was over.
Two hours flew away, I had no idea how they did. All that I was sure of was : I didn't hear a single word of what the teacher was saying, and James was screwed. I was packing my bag when somoeone took me by the arm, It was Merissa. " I didn't mean to bother you, but he really isn't your type. He faught with Ethan cause he kept sending me messages. And yeah, don't tell him that I told you any of this alright ? Love ya." Then she just left after kissing me on the right cheek. She didn't wait for my answer.
