anxiety is killing me.

I wanted to do

There's a lot of things I wanted to do but I'm not brave enough to. Like the first night we met and you were zipping up your pants and said you were going back out to the shack.
I wanted to have sex again. I wanted you to kiss down my neck and my chest because you didn't dominate me. You made me feel wanted.
I wanted your body on top of mine which I don't normally like because that's how I was raped.
But I wanted yours.
I also wanted you to stay. I wanted to cuddle. I know it sounds stupid and childish but I wanted to just feel your arms around me because I know that another girl is going to get to feel them soon.
I regret not telling you that I wanted this. I regret
Not speaking up, or kissing you again.
I regret everything I feel I did wrong or not even telling you how I felt when I had the chance.
Now I'm an hour away and I won't be able to feel the sensation of your lips on my neck, or the way you grabbed my thighs to show me you wanted me not that you wanted control of me, and god damn I would do anything to scratch you one more time.

But I can't.
It sucks to not be brave because if I was, that night would've been 10x better. You promised to see me but I knew what I was to you.
I was a booty call. Your toy for the night.
You used me and I let you and I'm ashamed that if I was going to let the guy I've been wanting since I was 12 years to god damn use me;

I didn't even have enough sense to keep you for a whole night.

I'm a coward when it comes to feelings.. I'm sitting in agony because I want to tell you how I like you and not let it be the coconut rum on my lips doing it for me. I want to be sober and tell you how I would do you so much better than your trashy cheating ex.

& I don't hate her because she cheated on you, I hate her because she didn't realize how fucking wonderful you are and how lucky she was that she got to have you as her own and she used you.

I'll never even have the chance because I'm not your kind of girl and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I like you and want to treat you right and can't tell you because I'm scared of hurting you with distance.
I'd move there if you asked.
If I was told I would get to spend the rest of my high school years, joking around and goofing off with you. & kissing you because you're mine, and getting to feel your embrace behind me and be your person.

I would give up all I have.
But I can't because there's a lot of things I (want)ed to do.
I should've done. But I didn't have a chance with you anyways, right ...