So... Let's Talk About It

depressed hippie

I am so lucky to be living this life. So privileged and spoiled. And yet I don't feel that way. Maybe that's what privilege is: having something you don't even realize you have. Every day I wake up with the world at my feet. I can literally do anything. Nothing to stop me but my own stubborn will. In my life, there are no guidelines to follow, no instruction manuals to read, and I think that's the hardest part. Everything is already so open-ended and comfortable and perfect that it's screwing me up. From all that's good comes something so messed up, and that's just the story of my life. I always have to make things more complicated than they have to be. Or, more accurately, I'm thinking about things more complicatedly but not actually doing anything about it. Hence, the anxiety. I'm always stuck in square one even as my mind's jumping off the grid. 

So today, I was walking my dog when I looked up from my feet and realized that everything about our world is f-ing beautiful. It's a grand work of art if you really take the chance to look at it. 

The way clouds float in the sky. The way the sky melts into all different shades of blue, purple, pink, yellow, orange...

The way trees overshadow a single road flowing into a neighborhood. 

The way the wind smells of crumpled leaves and rain.

The way stars twinkle in an endless blanket of night.

The way the moon is all bright and round and whole.

And I'm wasting all my damn time looking at it rather being a part of it.

No need to fret, I did not, in that moment, fall to my feet and roll in the dog-urine-infested grass. But, I did have a rush of appreciation for God and where He placed me in the world. You see, I can to so so so many things. Anything. Everything. And that scares all the heck out of me, but still thankful...? Because now I have this whole "making every second count" and "live like there's no tomorrow" shit running through my head. This is what I always do. In my head, I scavenge for ways to make me stressed, and even knowing that they are completely unnecessary and made-up, I get anxious

Being the flawed, greedy human I am, I'm constantly asking for more of my life even though I'm still chewing up the big bite I took. I know I can't take any more of it, and yet I still welcome all its ups and downs into my loving arms. In fact, today, I learned that I've also been taking it upon myself to weave my crazy head into other people's lives. Long story short, I've been controlling my sister's life this entire time because she's been doing everything she can only to please me. To make me happy and ultimately un-depressed. Didn't really work, but I thanked her for her efforts. 

But in her project of "Let's Make Brooke Happy Again!", she completely lost who she really was and what she was comfortable in doing. Now she's all anxious and jittery to do things only at my approval. Damn. It's all better now because I told her today that she can stop basing her actions and thoughts off of mine. I told her it was my fault and that I should stop pulling such a hard leash of her life, so yay! another burden to mix into my twisted mind. 

Anyways, as she was telling me all this today, I was almost jealous that she could speak out her feelings without fear of judgment or confusion. In fact, part of the reason I'm depressed is because I've been living my life to please her, so learning then that the tide has been turned against me was absolutely insane. I could say I don't believe her, but who am I to judge her emotions? They might as well be as jumbled up as mine. Maybe craziness can run in the family.