I failed

    I remember when I moved into this house. I can believe it, but I was almost happy then. I was almost okay. I had just had my heart ripped out and stomped on again but I was fine. It happened so often I was surprised I had a heart left at all. But this was going to be a new school year. I had moved up here from Tennessee and I was going to be a freshman. I had been excited. The day of orientation was when it started. I couldn't even have that day without the bullying starting. But I guess I brought it upon myself. I dressed different. Not gothic or anything just odd. I didn't wear name brand and this was a prep town. But that wasn't really why I got bullied and everyone knew it. That day I met my bestfriend. His name was Jamey and he was why things were so bad. I am not blaming him in anyway, but that is the truth. Jamey was bi. He liked boys and girls. Everyone knew it for a long time and I saw the torment he was enduring and I had to stand up for him. It never worked really. The bullies never stopped, but now he is gone so I guess it doesn't matter. Today is his funeral. He.....he hung himself. Things weren't the same. I wasn't the same. But everyone else seemed to be. All the kids at school still harassed me. They still threw their sodas on me at lunch and tugged wads of my hair out. I couldn't even go into the girls bathroom. I would get locked in there and be tied up in the back stall with jump ropes by the cheerleaders. Really I can't believe this all happening. I had been popular. I remembered it vaguely. I had once been the head cheerleader. Then I was kicked off for being to chunky. Well chunky was what the coach said. The girls all were more blunt in telling me I was fat. 

    I don't miss the popularity though. It drove me crazy. All to literally I am starting to fear. In the months leading up to the move when the harassment for being fat all started, I lost it. I went off my rocker and just went insane. I started hearing all of these voices inside my head and I couldn't really make them out sometimes. It is like radio static and I hated it. When I was alone it got worse and worse and worse until I would just start screaming and crying trying to turn it off somehow. Nothing ever worked. It still doesn't. That is why I started getting into rock music to begin with right there. It was loud and the screaming kept me from having to scream myself. That saved me allot of trouble because everytime I would start hysterically screaming my mother would take me to my therapist. She was for my other demons though. They called them anorexia and bulimia. I called them a diet and a tool for coping. I went from weighing 140 pounds down to 96 in a record two months. I know it isn't that much but everyone stopped calling me fat. Well most everyone. When the occasional jock did say it his friends would look wide eyed at him then throw glances at me while they whispered. I had always hoped they were telling him how pretty I had gotten. But they weren't. They were just talking about how scary I looked. Like I could blow away in the wind and for a while I guess you could say I was close. But that stage seemed to pass once I met Jamey. I got better for a while. We lived right across the street from eachother and he was my bestfriend. But now he is gone. Today is Friday. They....found him S....Sunday. The image of the house when I was woke up by the sirens will haunt me. His mother and father's faces are in my nightmares now. I had ran out there in my pajamas without even looking in the mirror.

     Me and him, well we talked about it. The suicide. We had planned to do it together on December 31. It was so neither one of us had to live another year knowing we couldn't go on and because he loved the snow. But....he just didn't make it. I blame myself. He called me four times that night. I had been sick and missed that week of school. I had no idea things would be too much without me there to help  him. He had been mad at me for not letting him come over because I was scared of him getting sick. When he called I had been curled up inside my closet again. That was where the voices seemed not to follow. I had never told anyone about them before I met him. And I won't ever again. Something in him seemed to have help me keep them at bay.  N...now they have ended him. That is why I must end me so I never do this to anyone ever again. But first I have to go to his final celebration. This will be my last day on earth before I join him so late lastnight I decide to have one last hurray. It wasn't for me at all. It was in tribute. I snuck out and bought myself one last thing. Not razors or rope or any of that. My bathroom had literally came equipped with all of that. I wanted to look good at my funeral so I had bought myself blue hairdye. My hair was whitish eblonde and on dayd I wasn't running late or just feeling to terrible I'ld curl it. I had like my hair but now I knew what I was going to do in honor of Jamey. His favorite color was blue and it just seemed appropriate.

      I looked down at myself now. I'm wearing one of his sweater he let me borrow over a dress. The black dress is actually my mother that she let me borrow. She was too busy to attend anyways. When she said those words things got heated between us. I attacked her through eyes clouded with tears and all I ended up with were bruised arms were my brother had to drag me off of her. He had come into town unaware of what was going on. Now he looked at me as though I was sick, like just because he was my friend means it will be me. Oh wait, he is right on that one. What a stupid know it all. I grabbed my marker bag and walked up to my mirror. I grabbed a red and black and smiled on the inside. Now it seems to be too physically draining to show any emotions so I just always am crying or scowling. But it is okay I am a "just some teen in mourning" according to my therapist. God I want to kill her sometimes. I come back from my thoughts to find in my internal rant I had already done what I had wanted. I had No H8 under my left eye in black with the eight being the only thing writen in red. Under my right eye two tears were drawn in black. I rested my hand on my right cheek and let my tears match the drawn on ones. Today I just have a feeling that the dumb fucks from school will come and make a scene. I home I am wrong but at the same time it is almost inevitable. Why would someone bully someone to death and attend their funeral anyways. Well I killed him so maybe I shouldn't even go. No, I'm wrong. No one who hurt him will come. They can't. I won't let them.

    I walked to the funeral. When I got there I was shocked. News cast was everywhere. But then I saw them. The cheerleaders. They were all dressd in uniform and harassing the camera men. I started crying. Why did he have to die without me? We were supposed to be bestfriends until our last breaths. But it is clear it stretches farther now. He is still my bestfriend and I am saying this at his funeral. The cheerleaders spotted m. As the news cast tripped over one another trying to talk to his parents they sauntered over here. "This is a funeral not a circus!" One shouted at me. I noticed out of the corner of my eye a camera man turn this way. I didn't say anything. This is who they really are and everyone needs to see that. "Oh your gay little faggot of a boyfriend is dead and suddenly you can't speak?" One snapped at me. I felt a blush fall on y face and tears started falling. "N hate." I murmured softly. "What is that little girl?" One asked mocking putting her hand up to her ear. "No hate." I said a in a normal tone. The camera man and news report who had heard them yell looked at me and smiled. "No hate!" They shouted. Then it turned to chanting. The cheerleaders snickered an went to leave. A cop stopped them. They had just been caught on camera harassing me. Maybe it was enough for our justice. But I doubted it.

      On my way home I walked right past our houses. I had gotten oo upset halfway through and was asked to leave for sobbing to noisly by the funeral home. I wanted to punch their lights out by I was exhausted and just accepting of what I was about to do. I figured the more frustration I let out now would untimatly help me die. So I ran and ran until I was weezing and my legs burnt. I was just outside of town now. It had taken me a long time to get here. I saw the sun was starting to set and I hoped this worked. I was at the biggest highway around here. This place was full of reckless drivers and drunks living in the nearby motels. A good place to get ran over I'ld say. I sat down on the tiny grass area outside a shitty motel and waited. I watched the sun set. I stood when it was just black enough. My phone buzzed and that reminded me. I looked at it and saw it was my brother. He wanted to know what was going on. It was quick and to the point. You'll know soon. Goodbye. I would have told him I loved him but I had barely even knew him in my life. Then I logged onto my youtube channel. I just wanted to make sure my video had uploaded. It was my only video on there. But I sent it as a response to Jamey's. He had told me and the world things get better. But they don't. If he couldn't make it, then who am I to even try? With that thought I ran out into the road. I saw the headlights and could see the car was silver. But then it hit me at an unreal speed and through me. I don't remember hitting the ground. All I see is blackness.   

    I can feel my heart beat slowing but at the same time it feels like I am already floating from the ground. There was sharp pain in my wrist and ankles and then my neck. Then I started feeling cold and my body felt prickly like I was numb even though I could feel everything. The everything was hot. I don't even know if I screamed. I heard muffled voices and mentally laughed at the fact the voices follow me even now. The the flying feeling is back and things are starting to just go away. I am dieing finally. Who knew death was so long and drawn out. I am glad it is here. When I passed out I was sure it had worked. That I had died not by my own hand but by my own feet and will. But I didn't completely. I was dead but not gone. I had failed. It is just that simple. I was dead but then I woke up.