Memories

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by Mark_my_words

by Mark_my_words

WARNING THIS IS THOUGHTS AND MEMORIES! DON'T JUDGE.

I can't help but think that my life is un-eventful. All I ever do is sit and think about all the what ifs but never take a chance on anything and the few times I ever take a chance at anything in some way or another it completely back fires on me.

When I was around 6-7 years old I try to be discreet with this guy I liked and ask, "Hey do you like anyone?'

Now at this age no one really likes each other. I mean boys are going through the whole girls can't do anything and have cooties. It literally is the worst time to try and find out if they like you possibly. Of course he tells me, "I don't know....maybe (what ever her name was). "

Even at 6-7, I have the reaction of jealous. If it isn't obvious enough I had a huge crush on this guy and it followed me through the rest of my elementary school days.

Constantly, whenever I was remotely near I would hear once in awhile him telling his buddies that he had no interest in me and it would hurt like no other. Yet, I ignored it in a sense because although he would tell others and me indirectly he had no interest he would still pick on me, tease me.

He would pick out simple things like:

"BMG! Big Mean Giant" for my height over the others.

What I would wear or how I would act, even the classic teasing of having to wear glasses. He even made this bird-like noise that bother me to no end but I still thought him cute and my crush towards him would stay.

I just have this inability to think that certain people our fully mean, that they have this part of them that contains some form of kindness. I always hope for the best to be shown in others, even when they have the ability to act like complete assholes.

I eventually got fed up with it and acted through my long storing violence. A person can take only so much before they break, and I broke when he called me b*tch. One word and it felt like I would only hear that word and laughter in my ears. The only thing that would quench that rising rage would be to hurt him and that's what I did. I hit him, as hard as I could in 5th grade and it cause him to be left groaning in pain on the ground. At that exact moment it was like I finally repossessed my body and I saw what I had done and found myself crying, actually more like trying to cry. I was in shock, since I was normally not the violent type, rough-housing yes, but actual pain wasn't what I did.

The rest of the time it was as if we never met. We didn't speak to each other, we didn't acknowledge each other's existence whatsoever.

From that point, I seriously have no luck with guys at all. My crushing is so easy to see that you might as well get a tattoo on my head saying, "You may be a crush of mine."

Mainly because I can't just choice one guy to obsess over, I have to go back and forth between 3-4 different guys because they all have something that interests me in one way or another. Either for their brains, personality, or I just want to think that they aren't complete assholes and contain some small amount of kindness in their overall jerk attitude clogged hearts.

Then there's the whole thing with my guy friends I truly trust end up as the one's who like me and I can't return it in that sense. I just don't feel the same, yes it's possible to have this moment of "what if?" but then you tell yourself, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?" His a friend of mine for a reason and that reason doesn't prove that we would be good together. In fact, it proves why we aren't and those people I haven't seen in months to years and I just can't bring myself to settle for something that I never wanted.

With this comes the prize of wanting something from someone socially wise you're not even compatible. I personally think if I were straight forward enough to go and tell every single guy I've ever had a crush on they would most likely tell me they didn't return the feeling. I was nothing more then the helpful nerd that made it easy for them to get a good grade in class. Nothing more, and that is something I not only accept but fear.

I don't want to be something only needed once and a while just for one specific problem. I want to feel less like I'm used for my smarts and more then that. I don't know what exactly and of course I have time and I shoudln't be worrying about this but I can't help it. When my friends so easily talk to guys and I have this disease when it comes to it. I become a sarcastic, quick to the point, cold hearted bitch. I'm not that and it's something I don't know how to fight against because already I have taught myself that, "how can you possibly get a guy? You aren't pretty, you're not thin, what do you have over others?"

Honestly, I don't think I have anything. I wish I could just come out of my shell, be who I really am. Yet, I'm always holding myself back, one foot out the door and another all the way back to my room. I know I should not hope to be anyone else or envy my friends for how they can interact easily while I have to keep myself protected. The funny thing to me is I'm venting to a computer and possibly thinking about posting this for the rest of wattpad, let alone the world to take a glimpse at and I doubt if I can do it. Who would want to know what a stranger on a site feels like? I can't think really any person unless you count all the people that shouldn't.