LED ASTRAY

12/2/15

Led Astray! Time And Time Again, Situation After Situation. Will This Girl Be The One? Will This Be My True Shot At Accomplishing My Goal? Big Moments Have Faded Into My Memory As Nothing But A Delusion.

Heartbreak, A Dangerous Feeling That Can Hurt More Than Physical Pain. A Dark Time In Life When You Have One Person To Go To After A Long Stressful Day... A Relief, Isn't It? But What Happens If That Shoulder Suddenly Moves It's Pivot? What Happens When You're Suddenly An After Thought? For Me, It Was An Obvious Answer.

A Dark Time In Life, When Almost Nothing Can Get Any Worse, I'm Suddenly Left Behind To Face My Demons On My Own. A Project That Was Set To Last Forever Had Turned Into A Tragedy. Begging, Crying, Breaking Down Physically And Mentally To Bring Back Something That Will Never Return To How It Once Was! The Simple Thought Of Being Replaced And Forgotten; What Worth Must I Really Have?

To Watch My Phone As I Hoped For Just A Single Response, To Miss Feeling Loved By Someone, But To Know That The Love You Received Was Never What You Once Thought. To Know Your Reality But Struggle To Not Accept It. As My Heart Breaks And Fades Away, I Must Accept That I Was Led Astray.

Suicide! The Thought Of Wanting To End Your Own Life Despite Anyone Who Could Possibly Be Damaged By This Life - Ending Decision! A Decision That Is Sometimes Made As An Attempt To Feel Cared For! I've Lost My Closest Relative To Such A Situation, And In The Room He Once Owned I Set And Debated What I'd Do. I Hated My Life. I Was Abandoned By The One Person I Felt Would Always Be There.

"Who Would This Affect?" I Wanted To See For Myself, But That Would Be Impossible, And Unlike Many Others I Was Too Terrified Of Death To Carry Out With It.

Months Have Passed, And The Feelings Are Just As Bad As Before. Still, I Begged To See Her Again Despite Everything She Had Done To Hurt Me. Foolish, That I Was. I Would Be Forced To Receive Help, Though I Hadn't Wanted Any.

I Had Been Put Into A Program Where Everyone There Would Be Dropped Off At Home After. I Set Quiet, That Was Until I Noticed Where We Were. I Noticed That We Were Near Where She Lived, And My Heart Would Begin To Beat Uncontrollably. There She Was, Outside With Some Guy Who I Was Unfamiliar With. It Was Almost As If It Was A Destined Moment.

I Fought My Urges For A While To Text Her But The Next Morning Before Leaving Again I Could Fight No Longer. Who Knows What I Might've Sent But I Couldn't Wait To Get Home To Read Her Response. This Time Things Didn't Go Quite Like The Previous Day. I Had Complained That The Program Wasn't Helping, But Who Would Have Known That Would Buy Me 3 Full Weeks Of Permanently Staying In The Hospital?

Suddenly, I Was With More People That I Didn't Know And Could Only Think Of Her Response That I Wouldn't Get To Read For A While. During My Stay I Watched As People Were Able To Vocalize Their Problems And Return To Their Families. Suddenly My Stay Became Enjoyable And I Would Be Released On My 16th Birthday. I Was Finally Able To Return Her Text And Though I Was Sure That I Was Okay, I Still Stressed Over Things Not Returning To How They Once Were. Deep Down I Knew That I Was Still Foolishly In Love.