Matriarch

Defeat

Lately
Lately when I've been walking,
I find myself staring at the sidewalk.
Thinking "I should just lay down,"
as if the sidewalk is the perfect place
for a defeated nap.

Lately when I've been working
I find myself unable to concentrate.
Words move around on the screen
and my brain can't keep up with my eyes.
Reading only to instantly forget.

Lately when my phone rings
I panic a little.
Fearing whatever is on the other end
is something that isn't conducive
to peace.

Lately I have started to wonder
If I was mistaken to hide my sickness,
to hide my pain.
Because now I can't hide it,
and the perception of me becomes
a crying wolf.
Yet I've always felt this way,
just with lips sewn shut.

Lately when I've been eating
I am repulsed by food.
My throat rejects it;
unable to swallow.
No appetite,
neglecting the consequences;
the hallow weakness.

Lately I've felt like
I am slowly killing myself.
Adrenal gland pumping,
at all hours of the day;
heart grieving;
stomach on strike;
body screaming.

Lately I've been trying to get better
but I can't tell if it's working.
                           - Alaina Moore

Hana
What are you doing? Anika, you're going to run out of health! You're not a tank! I hear a teammate, Ryoka, yell at me. He doesn't know my real name, just a username I use in Matriarch. I don't know his name either, but he's a good friend, though a bit of a pushover.
Usually I'd listen to him anyway because he's got pretty good judgement, but I'm kind of furious right now, and I don't care if I die. I'll just respawn at the checkpoint half a kilometer away. Matriarch has respawn points everywhere.
Grandmother sent me up to my room again today, and I don't usually care, but this time she had no reason to! I was doing everything right, just like Alicia Angel, and she just stopped me and told me to leave. No context. She got this look of hatred in her eyes, her sharp, scrutinizing eyes, and sent me away. I hate her! The second I turn eighteen, I'm leaving this place! I'll move...someplace. Just do Grandmother a favour and go to...I still don't know where. Somewhere garish. Somewhere unruly and nothing like what Grandmother wants. America! That's it! I'll move to America when I turn eighteen! I just have to wait three more months. Three more months of absolute torture. Ugh.
The monster in front of me is big and ugly. It's got teeth and horns poking out all over the place, and if I wasn't so mad, it might look scary. My team had stumbled upon it trying to clear this dungeon of the last of the low-level monsters, we didn't think one of this size would still be in here. As a result, none of us were properly equipped to deal with it, so in the meantime we've been dodging all its attacks, trying to find an opening for an escape.
Well, the rest of my team is. I suppose I'm not helping them by angering the beast even more. But Grandmother made and irrational and completely unnecessary decision by making me leave. I get it! I'll never be as good as Alicia! Why does she have to rub it in my face?
The monster turned toward me. I just slashed my sword across its torn up wing again, and it came crashing down on me, depleting still more of my HP.
Finally, Daltyn, our team's tank and leader, jumps in and blocks the monster's next attack from hitting me. Anika, leave now! I don't know what's up with you, but you're being reckless and it's only hurting you and your team! We'll deal with this guy, go work out whatever's wrong.
I sigh, they have no idea what's wrong. I never told them, so it's understandable, but it's hurts that they think it can solved so easily. I hold my hands up in surrender, and log out. I lean back in my desk chair, pulling off my headset. Walking over to my bed, I rub my sore neck and lay down for a nap. I accidentally slumped forward, and now my neck and back hurt. Dammit. Why does nothing go my way? Why am I the one who always ends up defeated?
Lying alone on my bed is where I do my deepest thinking. Slowly, I close my eyes and let my mind go down the rabbit hole.

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Right off the bat, sorry that was such a short chapter. I've hit a massive writer's block. With school starting up again in a couple weeks and some personal issues, it's just been hard to find inspiration lately. I know this is about half the usual length of my chapters, so I'll really go to get a longer one out next time. Thanks for reading, though, it really motivates me to write more!
-SAND