I'm scared. Like an unreasonably amount of fear. Of what you may ask. It's of commitment. But why am I so scared. I mean I love the idea of being in love with someone and being able to tell them everything that I've been through, of what goes through my mind. All of the doubt I have in my self. All of my self esteem issues. But at the same time I am so scared to let them into my heart and my mind. It might be because I haven't really been with anyone long enough to feel that comfortable with. I mean my longest relationship was 7 months. But he never experienced one of my panic attacks, or my depression because every time I was around him I felt the need to seem happy and okay even if my mind was drowning me in all kinds of thoughts saying that I wasnt good enough for him, that I was too big, that I didn't make him happy, that he would be better off without me. So yeah I'm scared and that fear controls my life so much that everyone leaves me and my head says I told you so. The thing is I don't take any medicine for my depression or anxiety. So when it starts to take over it always wins. I hate the fact I do it so often. It even makes me stop talking to someone who could of been my forever but I'll never know because I just stoped talking. I don't even talk about what really goes through my head ever. I just put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is okay. When in all reality my head is slowly killing me. I can't even sleep most nights because I just can't stop thinking. I know I have people who will listen to my problems but I've been silent for so long I think it's easier to keep to myself than burden anyone else of my thoughts.
