I walk in my front door and head straight to my room before my dad can try to talk to me. My dad isn't as bad as my mom, but he is still a contributor in this situation.
He doesn't do that whole hint thing or anything like that, but I can see it in his eyes. It's challenging to explain the unexplainable because that's exactly what I see when I look past his exterior. All I see is disappointment and shame of having a daughter that is so unbelievably big that she can hardly get out of bed in the morning. I can hear it in his voice whenever he speaks to me, the way he talks is so different compared to the past. I can feel the embarrassment in his presence whenever he is even near me. The varying attitude and, what one could say, awkwardness resting in between our father-daughter relationship is sad, really. It makes me disappointed in myself for being me, even though that doesn't take much anymore.
It just seems like every day I'm waking up with more things to be ashamed of than the last. It's like I have that much more fat to hide underneath my already too small clothes. It's like I have to squint my eyes that much more in order to see the blackboard because my eyes would love to just give up. And it's like I have to try that much harder to limit the emotions that shine through my exterior because I can't be any more weak than I already am.
My school bag is discarded when I enter my room and I cringe when the bed frame screams under the weight of my body. I immediately open my laptop up to Netflix where I continue to watch whatever series I was previously watching last night.
There's really no point in watching this though because my mind is some place else. I can't stop thinking of that blind boy, Niall. Not only him but Zayn also. It terrifies me when I think of that deepening possibility that I am may have a bully. I have never thought about it in that way before but I was physically abused yet the principal did nothing about it. I know deep down that it's not my fault that Niall fell, but I can't help to blame myself.
I blame my body for it. Maybe if I wasn't the size of a truck I wouldn't of fell down, or I could've gotten back up quicker before we crossed paths. The poor kid literally did not see it coming, how embarrassing for him. I feel so guilty for doing that to him and I hate myself for it.
I don't want so much attention on myself, that's the main thing that I despise. I am petrified about the thought of continuously being embarrassed in front of even one more single person, because I'm already embarrassed when by myself. But just thinking about how Zayn is going to show me that I do not belong somewhere I already know I don't, makes a whole new set of serves flow through me.
I don't know how much time passes while drowning in my inner thoughts when my dad knocks on my bedroom door.
"Come in," I say and see him stick his head through the opening.
"I'm heading to work," he says. He works the night shift, at a job he hates, but it is a good paying job so I guess he'd rather be unhappy.
"Okay," I say, not looking up from my computer screen. He lingers in the doorway for a while before I take a glance at him.
"Yeah...?" I ask, gesturing as to why he's still here.
"Can I talk to you for a second, Gracie." I cringe at his nickname for me, but grant his access. He sits awkwardly on the edge of my bed, looking at his hands.
"Your mother was very upset this morning," he says and I scoff.
"That's nice."
"She only wants what's best for you, you know that right?" he states.
"I'm 17, she's going to live with me the way I am, disappointment or not." I say and he sighs.
"Don't say that Gracie, you're not a disappointment. We do love you the way you are,"
"Then why are you guys always trying to change me? I can't help that I'm a cow," my voice breaks.
"But you can help it honey, we can do it together." Ouch. No matter how nice that just sounded in his ears, I heard it all. I heard the way he just talked around telling me straightly that I need to lose weight. I heard it loud and clear and no matter how polite he sounded, it didn't lessen the blow.
"Thanks dad, really. I would expect her to make you come talk to me, but that I did not expect so congratulations. You say you love me the way I am yet you do this to me, thank you for that." I say sarcastically, short of breath. My mind is exhausted from fighting the emotion and tears that sting my eyes.
"Gracie, I didn't-"
"Please leave." I cut him off.
"No Gracie, we are talking. You can't-"
"Get out of my room! Please!" I yell, my voice sounding nothing but weak. The authoritative tone I wanted ceased to exist as my voice was more like a plead. A single tear falls down my cheek but is wiped away as quickly as it appears.
"This conversation isn't over," he says as he exits my room, shutting the door behind him.
With that, I break down. I shut my laptop with one big hit and grasp the roots of my hair in a gesture of stress. The warm tears find their way down my face one after the other while I drown in my own self hate that holds not an ounce of satisfaction.
The only confidence that I had left for the day has withered away. Even though it was equivalent to a subatomic particle, it was still there and now it's gone. Gone like the wind that catches itself up in a tornado, tearing up houses, building and families. Without that confidence my self hate becomes almost enticing. It lures me into its trap and I feel it in my veins like an adrenaline pumping drug.
With shaking limbs and an emotion filled heart that is not at all bulletproof, I am reminded that this is reality. The world hurts you and scrapes you just for the engraved satisfaction. Like gasoline in need of a spark, my body ignites in a fire made purely of pain and despair. I need someone to respirate me because that is one more thing I can't do.
The tears that swim in my eyes are nothing but pieces of my dignity discarding themselves. Trying to fit in here is like trying to find fragments of my skeleton scattered across the blinding snow in the winter; impossible. Not even my family can accept me for who I am, so how can I possibly do that?
I can't, that's just it. These tears that slither down my face are just the beginning of this tidal wave that crashes over my head. I know there is so much more to come in the future not only with school and my family, but with myself also. I know that what is to happen ahead of time is going to be gruesome and not at all gleeful because every single day my happiness decreases more and more.
I can't say I know a lot about where my path is heading, but what I can say is that I am not at all ready.
sorry the chapters are kind of short im a hot mess
please comment and vote and send me nudes
