I can't keep doing this.
It's bad for me. It's bad for me. It's bad for me.
I have to drill that in my head.
But here I am again.
At the bar. At the party. At her house.
One sip.
Bad for me.
One hit.
Bad for me.
One kiss.
Bad for me.
I can't. No thanks. I want to be strong.
But I'm weak.
-------------------------------------------------------
I rang her doorbell for the second time that day.
It was one am and I was only here because she said she needed me. Her state of mind was less than needed and, while mine wasn't much better, she said she needed me.
You know how this will end. She's bad for you. She will pull you in again.
I quickly pushed that thought aside as she opened the door. I could tell from the way she moved and from the distinct smell of liquor on her breath that she had been drinking again.
I asked her how she was doing and why she called me over, and her only response was to sit down and cry into my chest.
It's her boyfriend again. He's dragging her back into the life you both left.
All I did was hold her and tell her everything would be alright. I told her to be strong and remember the steps. Remember why she left.
Like I'm one to talk. You're addicted to her just as much as she's addicted to him and the little lines he draws on her kitchen table.
I always fall back into bad habits. Been in rehab I don't know how many times. But it always starts here. Comforting the girl I thought I loved, telling her she could leave.
He pulls her in, she pulls you in, you pull both of you out again.
I admit to being hypocritical in this situation. Telling her she can fight her addiction when I haven't even tried to fight mine.
She's addicted to a life style and you're addicted to her.
Eventually she calmed down enough to be comprehensible. It was like clock work. Deja vu. One scene repeated over and over from my life. Words the same. Excuses the same. Pain, just the same as before.
She asked me to stay. To keep her from doing anything rash, but I knew she just wanted to bait me. Bring me in close so she could drive that knife just a little further in my back.
She's using you.
I know. I'm just too weak to change.
