The Essence Of Benevolent Love

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"The beautiful thing about love is that you just need to plant it once and nurture it and it shall bloom into blossoms that would cover the valleys." Hermann J. Steinherr

God, What is this spiritual being people speak of, is he real? Is he a figment of a lonely man's imagination. Does heaven exist? Where there an Adam and Eve? There are many unanswered questions in the world. So many people with the voice in the back of their head saying 'what if he isn't real' or 'what if my whole existence is going to get propelled into oblivion because he is real and I've denied his power.'

I, myself have never really believed nor had I doubted his existence wasn't true. I guess I've just lived my life in a way that says, suck it, to acting a certain way or living by specific rules to be accepted into a possibly fake yet possibly real eternity, high in the clouds with the creator of the world. Sometimes I pray, sometimes I let myself believe that maybe there Is a supreme being that died for us and protects us, and then sometimes I act like there is no one up there. I don't blatantly deny "his" existence; I simply don't acknowledge it.

When I was fourteen years old I was walking my childhood dog in our suburban neighborhood, It was approximately seven pm, and I remember looking up to the sky as Lucky, our German Shepard, defecated on the side of the road, I recall saying in my head. "God, if you're up there. If you are real, shine the brightest, biggest star on me." It was around the time the sun was setting, and just as it was sitting on the horizon, the bright orange/yellow ball of gases clashed against my skin so fiercely, I could feel the heat underneath my clothes.

Me, being me, I have never really ventured into the possibility that it was God. I guess I've never been strong-minded enough to come to terms that life does have a purpose and that you were and are on the earth for a reason, because then I'd have to live life in search for that purpose, for that reason. I'm afraid to find that because somewhere deep inside I know that I do not hold the capability to conquer my mission and follow the path the Lord intended me to take. No matter how much he believes in me, in his children, I have doubts rooted so deep in my brain stem that it would be fatal to remove.

The irony of it all is that my family is Catholic, I was raised in a Catholic household, attended a Catholic school, did things Catholic children do and yet no matter how deep the lord was planted into my head, the idea of him never really got through.

I've always had big dreams, ambitious goals. I never accepted anything less then what I knew I could produce, growing up I was raised by my very strict Catholic father, he always said to me

"Tillian, winning isn't everything, It's the only thing."

He'd go on to rant about how I had to be the best in everything, no matter what it was. I needn't let anyone influence me that failure shapes who you are, or that losing is a vital part of life lessons. My favorite was losing doesn't motivate you to be better, your competition does.

He never let me give up; if I were tired, then I was weak. If I were ready then I was overeager, I mustn't show any over-enthusiasm about a specific task. That'll give my opponents a clear indication that I will excel nor should I show any signs of nervousness for that may be construed that I am in way over my head and my opponents will go soft, and I'll have no real competition.

I love my father. I appreciate the way he raised me. Yes, it was in a concealed bubble and while my friends where at their first high school party or kissing the boy they like for the first time, I was locked in my room studying for some competition dad enrolled me in without my knowledge, despite all of that. I was indeed shaped to be the person I am today, I am successful beyond measure. I graduated first from my class at the University Of California, Berkeley.

I then proceeded to Harvard Law School, where I also graduated first from my class and now here I am nearly thirty years of age and what do I have to show for myself?

Degrees. It wouldn't be so bad to have if I could date them. 

I haven't got a social life, I've hardly got friends, and I've never really had a boyfriend. Mind you; I am not some lonely, cat loving virgin. I've had my fair share of flings, those relationships without a title but you go on dates and say things and do things couples do. I've even had the two o'clock in the morning booty call by my on again, off again sex partner but in the end being the best was such a necessity in my day to day life that I wanted to succeed as much as I wanted to breathe and so I never ventured to the possibility of committing to another person. The only commitment I've been so genuinely keen to make is to my studies.

However, now I'm going to open my heart. Leaving behind my father's words, I'm prepared to fail to succeed. I'm on a journey to find out who I am and shed the skin of this machine he built from the ground up. I am prepared to acknowledge the lords' existence and find my purpose. I'm ready to live.