Discarded Messages To You...

1 discarded messages

July 26, 3:41am

Rebecca: Hey Allen. Um idk... I just can't sleep so I thought about texting you. And I'm crying at 3:41am so I'm sorry for the bother.

I just.. Idk..I just wanna talk to you...

I know that sounds clingy and all but I like talking to you. I like how you seem to understand me. I like your cute little emojis you send me and your cute little jokes that you tell me and the conversations we have and I'm starting to ramble now. Lol.

I really envy you.

You're so outgoing, so funny, so free-going, so tall, so awkward so friendly, so responsible. Like that time Mark punch you on your jaw at school but you didn't fight back and was telling him to calm down.

Now I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'll just continue anyway since I feel like writing this is relieving me. Feel relieved now cause Im not crying anymore. Lol you're always like that. You try to make me feel relieved or happy again when I tell you I'm sad.

And Allen?.. I'm sorry but I lied to you. I didn't fake being happy majority of the school year like how I told you, I was genuinely happy.

I was happy cause I was hanging out with you guys. (You know how I am at home.) I was smiling and laughing cause I was making others smile and laugh. I wasn't faking any of that! Idk why I even said that! Ugh that was a stupid thing to say.

But anyway I liked being at school or just out and about cause I'm being productive, doing something! And not feeling so useless like most of the time.

Hell I was distracting myself from myself!

When I'm not doing something, I start thinking about myself and when I'm thinking about myself, I start thinking about all the bad memories and all the bad thoughts and when I think about those times, I think about how bad of a friend, of a sister, of a daughter, of a person I am then I start feeling depressed. But when I tell you that I'm depressed, you tell me how wonderful you think I am, how amazing you think I am, how much of good person you think I am, how beautiful you'd say I am! You would remind me that I helped lots of people and made them smile and how I made you smile.  God you make me feel better. You don't even know it!

You'd ask me how my cuts are, how I'm feeling, how I'm recovering cause you're that amazing of a person. You even get sadder when I tell you there are new ones. Not like anybody else. They'd just ask why and tell me stop cutting. You even RELATE to what I'm going through cause you had cuts too.

I hate that you know? How the amazing, wonderful, undescribable person you are yet you have selfinflicted scars.

Allen don't think that you're unwanted like how you'd tell me you are when you're feeling sad.

Anybody who knows you appreciates and loves you. You're parents love you, you're siblings don't outshine you (who can outshine your six foot ass??), they don't ignore you, they don't unappreciate you. You dont deserved to be treated like that.

You know I like how you'd tell me how you feel cause you make me feel like I'm a special person to you. You telling me what's happening in your life  is like telling me you trust me a lot. I hope you do. I trust you so i tell what's you happening in mine.

... Um.. Thank you Allen. Really.

For everything you said to me, for distracting me from things, for making our conversations the good type of weird, for making me attempt to cover my laughter at homebase cause god knows what would've happened if Mr. Bautista caught you doing the idiotic but hilarious things you were doing.

Shit im crying rn. But not cause im sad! Don't worry too much. It's cause I'm remembering everything we talked about, everything we laughed about, and just everything we done together. (Remember that paper maché fail we worked on together are homebase? xD)

You're such a good person and hell you even made me fall for you. Yes i like you. A lot actually... You make me blush at our conversations. You make me laugh and smile at the screen on my phone and not a lot of people can do that.

But I'm scared to say anything about it or even start a conversation first  because I feel like I'mannoying you too much so I'd wait. I wait for you to send a message first, I'd wait until you reply back before I start replying , I would just keep checking my phone to see if you even sent me something.

I don't wanna lose the relationship we have..

So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna ruin this friendship we have. You won't see this message but it's okay. Where we stand in our relationship is okay. Im okay... Just.. Keep talking to me... Keep doing that you're doing.  ):) xx

-message discarded at 4:52am

July 26, 4:53am

Rebecca: Dude I can't sleep. -.-

  -delivered