There's times where I get these really bad flashbacks to like—this guy I used to date.
Totally enamored with the guy, put my full trust into him, told him all of my deepest darkest secrets—I even lost my virginity to this guy though I had been saving myself for marriage (not in the religious sense I just felt like that was the right thing to do regardless).
The guy even tricked me and mind-fucked me so much to the point where he had been telling me that he was going to marry me and that he'd been saving up the money to buy me a ring so that he could finally live his dream of being with me forever.
The next few weeks in school, I noticed that he'd not been walking me to classes anymore. I decided not to ask, because maybe he was going through something and he wanted to be left alone. But at the end of every day, he'd walk with me to the buses and give me a quick kiss and tell me "bye".
Finally I decided to see what was up. I sat in the far corner of the Cafeteria in the morning while we waited for classes to start. He sat with this little skinny red-headed girl. She was laughing. And so was he. And then I took a closer look and he was holding her hand.
Immediately I felt this horrible gut-wrenching feeling that he'd been doing this the whole time.
And he was.
After school that same day, I decided I was going to break up with him. But when the time came, and he was holding my hand as we went to the buses, I couldn't do it. I wanted to, but something kept me from it.
I went weeks battling with myself. Just fucking do it. Just do it and you'll never have to see him again.
One day, I tried. I avoided him all day and when he tried walking me to the buses, I stopped him and I started talking.
Telling him all the things I've seen him do with this other girl. All the ways he's made me feel. How hurt I've felt.
And the response I got...?
"Do you really think I had plans to do anything with you? Do you really think I give two shits about you...? I love her. I felt bad for you. You're so pitiful."
And then he walked away and left me frozen. Crying. In the middle of this big empty parking lot as the buses left.
And I can't stop seeing him walking with her, and watching flashes of everything we'd gone through together.
Him kissing her.
Him holding her.
Him touching her.
Him laughing with her.
Him fucking her.
And now— if a guy I like shows even the tiniest bit of respect/interest/thought/or shows that he likes me back... my immediate reaction is to walk away and pretend t never happened.
I'm so fucking scared of being in a relationship with somebody because I don't know if what they say about how they feel towards me is true or not.
And I feel like maybe I've already pushed away the only one perfect for me. Or I'm talking to him currently, or I'm going to in the future. I dont fucking know.
I am so tired of going out and looking for "love". I use quotation marks because I've only seen one particular kind of love—and t wasn't even real. So I don't know what the fuck love is or how it works but here I am. Fucking complaining about it to a few people I don't even know, or maybe to nobody.
It feels good to get this out there, anyways. To Let it out.
And you know...
One day,
The guy of my dreams
Is going to wrap me in a hug
And tell me——
"I know you're not okay, but I love you anyways—and we're in this together."
"Always."
