The Epiphany of Us (Larry AU)

Chapter Nine

~L~

Louis' lips parted in shock.

He couldn't believe he had made Harry remember all that again. He knew someday he would regret being this stubborn, but he never thought he would feel guilty. He hated himself to make the man feel so much pain.

Harry's face was portraying an array of emotions; and Louis was scared to understand them. But the distress was something he never wanted to see. He leaned up on his elbow and pressed his lips to the man's soft ones.

Harry had revealed his past to him, he couldn't imagine what he would have done if he was in Harry's place. He was not that strong. The man didn't realise it but he was stronger than so many people who were unable to stop themselves from destructing their lives.

Harry should be proud to overcome all that. To face that and still find the will to go on.

But his last words came rushing back and Louis' heart broke.

"Never say that again, don't even think about that," his voice wobbled, breaking as he tried not to cry.

He didn't even doubt for a second that Harry would act on his words. The intensity of what he said had pierced something in his chest.

I will kill myself.

He closed his eyes as another tear rolled down.

"Please, I beg you, don't ever say that again," he whispered, clutching the front of the man's shirt and pressing his forehead to his chest.

Harry tilted his chin up, kissing him delicately. He must have seen something on his face, must have heard the desparation in his tone. He felt a thumb brush at his lip, stroking it softly before it traced a path down his neck and came back up to rest at his cheekbone.

"I am sorry... didn't mean to hurt you... won't ever say that again...," Harry promised between his kisses, letting his lips press against Louis' skin.

"I shouldn't have made you recall any of that," he looked in the man's green eyes to see them staring back with warmth and dare he say... oh god...

"I would have told you someday. It's better that you know now, so that you can decide?"

"Decide what?"

Harry looked down, as if the thought alone of what he was going to say would hurt him, "If you want to stay or not."

"Harry... you still think that I would leave?" It shattered his heart to watch the man's insecurities.

"Everyone leaves, one away or the other," Harry murmured under his breath.

"I will never leave you, even if you force me to," he spoke with a finality.

"I want to believe you, I swear," the man sighed and rolled onto his back, bringing his hands to his face, covering it completely with his palms, "But I can't. It will end up badly, if not now, then soon. It always does. I am doomed to never find happiness."

"Don't say that-- why do you keep saying that?"

He sat up when Harry got off the bed, watching him warily.

"Because!" The man groaned and tugged at his hair, "Because you are young, Louis. You will find someone along the way who is your age, who will understand you better. Who will make you realise that you are wasting your time with me! I am hopeless! I am at a dead end. I write to distract myself from reaching out for a bottle of vodka! I hate whatever crap I write. I am attracted to you like some fucking paedophile! How could you even stand looking at me? I hate myself!"