Confessions of a 20 year old college student

Oh Nana

Hey my name is Nana and I'm going through the biggest choices of my life of choosing to live by heart ( love ) or by how my family wanted me to be.

Everything all started to change in my life when I was 13 and it was close to Christmas and the town was having a "toys for tots" when the town gives kids a toy for Christmas. That day was the day my whole life changed the day that I was sexually harassed by my own aunty husband while he was drunk .

That was time I though that I don't know what to do with myself . But right now y'all need to know exactly what happen.

Back to the story. So you know that the town was having an toys for tots so we all stand in a long ass line to get a toy for my two sisters Alex and Shellie and my little cousin Bryan. I was with my aunty Anika in line waiting for at least 4 hours to get inside.

After the wait and the kids got they toys my aunty Anika decides that we all should head to her house so she can get what she needed before we headed to the Christmas party at my moms job.

While we wait on my aunty my cousin and sisters decide to play a game on the PlayStation 2 it was The Simpsons game . While they was playing the game my drunk uncle came in the the room and saw me sitting on the couch watching them play.

He came into the room and sat next to me. He started to breathe on my neck and that's when I smell the alcohol in his breath he scooted closer to me and start touching and rubbing on my back down to my lower back to my buttocks. I started to stiffen at his touch and he started whispering in my ear telling me stuff like "am I alright " and "How does it feel" while he move his way up to my breast squeezing and rubbing them.

Deep inside I wanted to scream and cry . I didn't know what to do I just froze there like a deer in the middle of the ride in headlights. I stayed there and let him touch me until he finally decided to leave out the room into the kitchen.

He left I cried and ran to my aunty which was in the bathroom and told her what happen and she just hug me and told me to calm down and told me to gather the kids and go to the car.

Once we got to the car my aunty drove us to my Mom's job where the Christmas party and that's when I went inside and searched for my mom and told her what happened . My mom gave me a serious look and said that we. Can talk about it till we get home.

After we had some punch, ate cookies, and shopped for gifts my mom took my sisters and I home and that's when I saw my dad upstairs in bed watching tv. I told him I have something important to tell him and told him and Mom detail by detail of what happen and that's when they decided to confront my aunty about it and see what her husband told her. He told her he did exactly that and my aunty decided to not get the cops involved or anything she just let it go as if it was a minor mistake.

Months later I've been sleeping less because of bad dreams of the scene of my uncle happening over and over again to the point I started to black out and cut myself. I hurt myself over and over again. Till it came to that day that I blacked out and cut myself in front of the whole 8th grade science class.

My teacher was terrified of the fact that I had a razor blade against my wrist ready to cut myself. My teacher was scared that I was gonna do it again so she sent me to the counselor.

I beg the counselor to not tell my parents. I was scared for my dear life for my parents to know the reason why I've been falling asleep in classes and why my teachers dropped my grades with the fact that I fell asleep in class on my report card comments.

The counselor was on the edge to calling my parents to tell them I was trying to commit suicide. That's when I got scared and told her everything. I told the counselor not to tell anyone .

So the counselor stepped out and came back with the school cop. I was mad at the fact she told him but it happened anyway. So the cop asked for the name of my uncle and other questions.

I answered every question that the cops told me to answer. After the cop walked out my mom walked in and I cried. The counselor had gave my mom a paper to take me to the hospital and suggest that I go to the police station later on.

Once we go out the school my dad was outside in the car. I got scared because I don't want them to be upset with the fact that I've gone through this without telling them this through out the months .

They have been grounding me for falling asleep in class and have been very upset with me about the comments on my report card about me falling asleep and lack of participation. Now they know what's wrong and they feel bad.

Once they got me to the hospital. The hospital contact the crazy hospital and try to send me there. My mom was furious she don't want them to take me there. I cried at the fact I had to see my mom and Dad in a vulnerable spot.

The hospital said that it could be best if I go there and get the help I need. My mom cried and yells out over and over again " she's not crazy". But the hospital said that I could be trying to take my own life . That's when they strapped my on the bed that be in the paramedics. They took my blood before the sent me off to the paramedics.

That was like the first time I ever rode in a paramedics in my whole like. I can't help it but look around . The ride took at least a hour and 20 minutes. I was ready to get off the bed thing.

Once they took a complete stop they push me into an elevator. I had to admit it the paramedics driver was one fine man if only I was his age. The elevator door opening took me out of checking the man out and he pushed me to a desk and door.

The paramedics guy unstrapped me tk the bed and a doctor introduced me to her and took my shoe strings, my necklace, earrings, hair tie, my phone, my belt, my ring, my wallet, and my happiness.

I ended up in there for 10 days. On visiting days and phone time my family was crying because they didn't know that I was going through this. I cried at the fact I had to see them see me in a very vulnerable moment.

I was ready to go home. They told me if I be good and my dreams go away which they gave me pills for go away, and participate in the circle, and meditation time, and my progress go great I would be able to go home after the final conference with me, my parents, and doctors. They would let my parents read my journals and tell them how can they help me from becoming depressed and suicidal all over again.

Being in the crazy hospital are the most vulnerable moments of my life and I really wanted to go home to see my bad asses of a sisters and go to school again. My blackouts don't happen like they usually do which was progress. That's when we went outside the best moment for me to get fresh air and run around like I want to. I miss home and my family. I've talked to my grandma every time I have phone time and she was happy to hear from me . I was happy to hear from her. She told me she loves me and to work through this everybody misses me and wants me to come home.

I was ready I wanna go home I did everything I'm supposed to do I took my medicine, I eat my food, and be as good as possible, I go to my daily checkups , and everything.

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Stopping right there for today and this chapter.