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four

My legs didn't stop when I got into my house, they kept going straight up to my bathroom without any hesitation.

I grabbed my blade and slid my back against the wall. Am i really about to do this? Am I giving up on staying clean?

I brought the blade to my wrist and was about to slide it across but my phone buzzed with Hayes' special ringtone.

"Hey Hayesy"
"Hey, have you been crying?"

I didn't realize I had been until he asked.

"Uh no"
"Okay, can I come over?"
"Yeah"
"See you in a bit babe"
"Yeah, see you"

I guess he called at just the right time, I was really about to do it again. I'm kinda glad I didn't, I haven't done it in three months.

Hayes walked into my room, I guess he let himself in.

"Hey girly"
"Hi"
"So how'd you get out an hour early?"
"Coach basically told me i was killing her vibe and I needed to leave"

"Man that sucks"
"Yeah how was football?"
"It was good"
"Good"

"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why are you asking?
"Well you got kicked out of practice because of a bad vibe, you sounded like you were crying earlier and now you're just kinda bland"

"I'm fine" I said with a fake smile.
"You know you can tell me anything right?"
"Yeah, you can tell me anything too"
"I love you babygirl"
"I love you too"

Should I tell him about my past? I doubt he would judge me for it but he would probably treat me like I'm fragile.

"Yo" he said and snapped his fingers.
"Hm?" I hummed, kinda dazed.
"You zoned out, are you sure you're okay?"
I nodded.

"And you don't have anything to tell me?"
I shook my head.
"You sure?"
I nodded.
"Okay baby I trust you on it"

That hurt, he trusts me to tell him something if I need to and I'm breaking it.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.
"It's your house babe"
"Oh yeah but still"
"We could order a pizza?"
"Sure I'll call"

I don't need pizza, it's greasy and fattening, but it's what Hayes wants.

I ate two pieces, I want more but two is already too much. I reached down for another.

"Only going in for the third? I've already had four"
"I wasn't aware this was a contest"
"Well it is now"
"I think I win for eating the least amount of fattening food"

"Ehh that doesn't matter"
"Yes it does"
"It shouldn't matter to you, it doesn't effect you"
"Yes it does"
"No you're tiny"

I just smiled and took another bite. He doesn't know that I don't like when people comment on my body.

"Can I run up and shower real quick? That pizza made me feel all greasy" I asked.
"Yeah babe, mind if I join?" he said and raised an eyebrow.
"BENJAMIN!"
"Kidding"

We've been together for three months, I'm not ready for sex. I get he was kidding but one day we might if we're still together and he'll have to see my scars.

When I got to the bathroom, I turned the shower on but I didn't get in. I kneeled down in front of the toilet and 'got rid' of all that pizza I just ate.

Then I hopped in the shower and washed my body and hopped right back out. I dried off, put on new clothes and went back to Hayes.

"That was fast"
"I did say I'd be quick"
"True, but I won't be"
"HAYES"
"Just saying"
"That's twice today, cool it"
"Sorry baby, do you not see me in that way?"

"I never said that it's just I'm not ready and I don't think you're ready to see that much of me"
"Who said I wasn't"
"Me. I did, it's just complicated"
"Why?"
"It just is"
"Is there something I should know?"

I looked down and shook my head. He lifted my chin back up gently.
"You can tell me anything baby"

I nodded and walked to the kitchen to get a drink and he followed me.

"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just wanted a drink"
"Are you sure?"

I nodded again.

"Look, my parents should be here soon and I'm tired, maybe you should go home"
"Oh, bye Anna" he said before planting a kiss on my lips and leaving.

When he left I went up to my bathroom and pulled out my blade again. I just stared at it, for like a minute straight.

I miss the feeling of it against my skin, the way it made my other problems go away for a little while. The physical pain always made my emotional pain seem less relevant.

I brought to my wrist and made a slice, then another, and another, then a few more. Before I knew it I had like 15 cuts on my left arm.

I can't believe I just did this, I was doing so good. I hadn't done this in three months. I'd be lying if I said i didn't miss it, but I didn't miss putting bandaids on my cuts before volleyball just in case they got reopened, which happened a lot.

I almost wish I hadn't done it, but it was soothing at the time.