You deserve to be happy ~ Phan fluff/angst

~ Dan's POV ~

The thoughts just won't go away. They just keep lingering in my mind. I just wish they'd go. It's destroying my life. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to give up, but it's looking like the only choice I have left...

My fingers lightly dragged over the mouse scroller, staring at the array of textposts and gifs that greeted my eyes. I usually enjoyed scrolling through the endless pages of tumblr but today felt different, almost as if it was chore. The irony quotes and cats often made me feel better but today it wasn't like that at all. I sighed heavily and continued down the page before it wouldn't load anymore and the loading circle just kept spinning infinitely.

I closed down all the tabs on the explorer page until I was left with only one open - twitter. The amount of tweets I had received was astounding, all asking whether I was okay or not and saying how much they loved me, but it didn't improve my mood. I looked down the colossal list, most of them saying that they thought I deserved to be happy, even though I didn't. I came across a few hate comment on the way, plummeting my happiness even further into the ground, and a few just saying "FOLLOW ME @DANISNOTONFIRE !!!! XDXD" which didn't do much for my joy either. I sighed again and started a new tweet. I had to tell the world - keeping it bottled in wasn't the best of plans. My hands nervously twitched above the keys but soon, I realised that it was the best move.

"I'm such a failure - why do I even exist? I've only made the world worse in entering it. I'm sorry :("

I anxiously hovered over the send button as a wave of anxiety swept over me. I closed my eyes, took a deep, deep breath, and clicked the mouse, swiftly shutting the lid of the laptop, not wanting to read the replies, and placed it down beside me, falling back on the pillows behind me.

But why do I exist?

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~ Phil's POV ~

Dan had been upstairs for almost an hour now and it had started to worry me. He had been so upset recently, which was the last thing on earth I wanted, and I just wished he realised how beautiful a human being he was. I sighed, switching off the tv by the remote, and pulled the sticker-coated laptop onto my legs.

Opening the lid, I logged on quickly and opened up twitter, observing a few of the tweets - something was definitely wrong.

"@AmazingPhil is Dan okay?? Please reply"

"@AmazingPhil what's wrong with Dan? tell him we love him pls <3"

"@AmazingPhil send my love to Dan :( xx"

Yeah, I got the occasional tweet asking me to tell Dan that a fan loves him but this was different. Much different. I frantically typed Dan's name into the search bar and looked at his recent tweet. A bolt of shock ran down my spine as I read it out loud:

"I'm such a failure - why do I even exist? I've only made the world worse in entering it. I'm sorry :("

I felt my heart sinking deep into my chest and the only thing running through my veins was pain. I quickly hit the reply button and typed the first words that came to my mind:

"@danisnotonfire daniel james fucking howell come downstairs right now <3"

My heart rapidly pounding in my chest, I looked up and down at the writing.

"Phil you never swear. You can't tweet that"

"Is the love heart too much? I don't want them to find out about us"

"Does it sound too weird and controlling saying his full name?"

All of the thoughts pulsed my brain but none of them stopped me from clicking the send button and urgently waiting for a reply or some kind of response to know that he was okay

But what if he wasnt okay?

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~ Dan's POV ~

Even though I was hesitant to look, I slowly relifted the lid of the laptop and, through the stinging tears in my eyes, scrolled through the replies. The response was overwhelming, filled with an immense amount of people telling me how amazing I was, but none of it gave me the courage to believe it myself.

And then, through the midst of the clutter of tweets from strangers, I noticed a familiar face. I wiped my eyes and observed it closer - it was Phil. My heart skipped a beat, even though he was about ten metres away from me, and a slight smile rose at the sides. of my mouth. I read it through, taking in every word:

"@danisnotonfire daniel james fucking howell come downstairs right now <3"

The love heart made me smile uncontrollably and I practically threw the laptop onto the bed, smashing in shut in the process. I swung open the door and ran down the stairs, the tears in my eyes starting to fall again, and burst into the living room to find Phil on the sofa with his arms opened wide and a blanket over him.

"Come here you big sop" he giggled as I bound towards him, falling into his lap and hugging him tightly, with his heartbeat pounding in my ear and Phil held me closer, almost to the point where I couldn't breathe, and let his head drop onto my scalp.

"Dan you are not a failure, okay?" he placed his fingers beneath my chin and pulled my head up to reach his, his piercing blue eyes smiling lovingly into mine. I nodded a tiny bit, to which he straightened his legs and pulled me onto his lap.

"Dan you are far from a failure. You have saved hundreds of lives and you are genuinely the kindest person I've ever met. I love you"

~ Phil's POV ~

The words seemed to make him smile, which made me grin with delight. I cupped his head in my hands and pulled his face in front of mine and kissed his nose gently, before bringing one hand around his waist and the other around his neck.

"You deserve to be happy, Dan. And I know you'll never know how amazing you are through my eyes, but you mean the world to me. In fact, you mean more than the world to me. And I love you more than I ever thought I could love anybody"

I pressed my lips against his and ran a hand through his hair, which turned it a little curly. Pulling away, I wiped the tears from his eyes and patted him a seat next to me. He jumped onto the sofa beside me and wrapped his hands around my waist, pushing his head into my chest.

"Thank you" he mumbled, his voice muffled by the clothing covering his mouth. "Thank you so fucking much Phil."

I smiled wildly, pulling the blanket over the two of us. I felt my hand intertwine with his.

"No, thank you. For being in my life" I replied and Dan stared back up at me, his eyes red and still a little damp around them. "Thank you, Dan"

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~ Dan's POV ~

The bad thoughts went away that day. I never had another bad day after that and even when things did start to go wrong, I knew Phil would be there beside me. Maybe there was another choice after all...