She said I am crazy. Nothing to against that, I can have my lunacy moment. In fact, I had those lunacy moments in life. But not today.
I am more sane than I have ever before. It's just that I am crazily in love with her. She is the one constant thing I want in my life.
We met on an online group that discuss sex and kinks. She was so fragile, sad and depressed when the first time we met. She had been through a lot of bad situations in her life and accumulated to what I saw on her that day.
Yet, even under those whole state she was in, I can still see the spark in her. I can immediately tell that she is full of hope even if she is having a hard time at the time. I can tell that she is smart, intellectual, intruiging, passionate and warm. Those qualities that made me drawn to her naturally. I have never met anyone with her qualities before. Those qualities were outshined by her depression and sadness, though.
She was interesting. She poked that spot in my mind like a switch button, turned me into living and feeling again.
I was a bored soul, with a lot of complicated situations surrounding me. Work, family, finance, relationship and everything just seem cannot co-exist with each other and pulling me apart. Those things had been going for quite a while that I forget how to enjoy life. I have interests on a lot of things, hobbies and friends, but there was a huge gap that needed to be filled. A gap of human connection and intimacy which was unavailable.
After I met her, got to know her better, tasted intellectual discussions with her, smell her mind, I immediately fell in love. Although my personality just became more stubborn to admit willingly by my actions, I did tell her by words that I love her.
Telling someone that you love them is one thing. It is the easiest part of loving someone. Three words, combined. Not always meaningful in a world of deceptions and wishful thinking, but those words have their value. A value that I used to ignore and abandon.
You see, love for me is a fragile emotion. Love is unpredictable, uncontrollable, chaotic, messes with your logic and stupidly annoying. I didn't expect love, at all. It was always fun while it lasted, but that's about it, just fun. Not fulfilling, not satisfying, not even close to be something that I need to have.
Or maybe, I haven't found and felt loved before.. That was what on my mind the first time I realized I am in love with her. And the most unexpected thing happened, she was also in love with me.
For her, loving someone is natural. She is warm and caring and just full of emotions. She expressed her emotions in ways that astonished me. She sent love songs, wrote poems, spent her time and made sacrifices just to be with me. I felt loved, easily.
The hard part of loving someone, for me, is to actually love that person. Love was still an awkward concept to reach, I didn't know what to do. I care for her, I invested time and emotions for her, but have I love her in a way that made her feel loved. So I began to try, I even tried too hard to my own acknowledge. And she was so fragile that the more I tried just made her more crumbling. It would be easier if love came with a manual, trully.
Life is a never ending journey, so they say. And they were right. This journey I'm having right now, is about how to love her in a way that made her feel she is loved. I still haven't figured out how, but I do have the best intention on spending my life time to go through this journey of mine, with her.
