To Josh Peck (but not actually)

Sike!

Although I love Josh, this letter is for Caleb. (pronounced cah-leb)

When I first met you, I thought you were a pretty cool guy. I was expecting to become friends with you, instead,

I fell in love.

You were funny and so was i. We were inseparable. You and me made a great team.

I had always liked you a lot, but i thought it was because of how awesome you were and ho we're close friends.

However, the night you came out to me as gay threw me off. 

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

We were in my backyard on my huge trampoline, it was dark out and there was a cool breeze. I feel backwards and you helped me up. 

"Hey, charlie?" 

"Yeah?"

"Can I tell you something personal?"

I didn't know what you meant. I was expecting you to tell me something about your family or the girl you liked.

"I....I'm gay."

That caught me so off guard that I almost fell again.

"uhhh.... what?"

Your face went red and you turned your back towards me. "Nevermind! Sorry"

You ran back to my house. You were originally going to stay over but you changed your mind and called your mom.

I couldn't sleep that night. 

'I'm gay.'

Although I'm not homophobic, I was confused since you weren't anything like all the gay people I've seen. You played basketball, you didn't wear makeup or girl clothes, and you were popular.

I think I reacted the way I did because although I didn't consider myself gay at the time, there had always been rumors about me being gay and I've questioned my sexual orientation before. 

I've dated girls and have had crushes on a few as well, but you were the first guy.

The next week at school was hell. You kept avoiding me and although I didn't realize I had feelings for you yet, I wanted to tell you that it was okay. That I didn't think any less of you for that. I had this entire speech I made over the weekend about how I would still be your friend no matter what. 

You stopped talking to me for the next two months. I saw you at birthday parties, but you stayed away from me.

You also blocked me on everything, snapchat, instagram, twitter, everything. 

I missed you..... a lot. Soon, i realized it was because I had feelings for you. 

I imagined dating you, holding your hand, going on dates, and kissing you. 

Although I now realize that you coming out as gay to me didn't necessarily mean you had a crush on me, but the day you came out as gay to the entire school and told everyone you were dating Jack hurt me. 

I found out from Christine who showed me a few of your snapchats of you being on a date with him. She also checked your twitter and the newest tweet was responding to someone who asked if you were gay. It simply read, "yes, I'm gay"

I regret never telling you how I felt.