Felony Fest

"Guys, we need to figure this the fuck out," Felony Steve declared, demanding the attention of the other two men in the room. His strangely unique voice struck slight fear into the hearts of the two guys. He kinda sounded like Kermit the Frog but... like a fucked up Kermit the Frog. It made everyone kind of uncomfortable, though one of them was probably turned on by it.

"How exactly do you plan on doing this?" Awsten asked. "I mean, it sounds like this is gonna be a pretty big thing. Or at least you want it to be."

"Hsidhud sfjkhd skfh jskhfksd hsdjjhfh," Lil Kidz Bop chimed in. He retired from using words a long time ago, and everyone had just gotten used to his gibberish. They'd somehow managed to decipher what he was trying to say, every single time.

"We know, Kidz Bop, that's obvious," Awsten replied.

"Hskhd jfkhf skhf aksk," the rapper corrected.

"Right, Lil Kidz Bop, sorry," the singer apologized.

"Felony Fest has to go big," Felony continued. "It's gonna be the biggest music festival of all time. Bigger than Warped Tour, and Coachella, and whatever the fuck other music festivals exist. Everyone will be talking about Felony Fest."

"Listen, Steven, I get that-"

"Only Mama Felony gets to call me Steven! That's Felony Steve to you," our generation's best rapper cut off that other irrelevant purple rat dipshit headass to correct his dumbass.

"Y'all love to correct me, don't you? Typical divas," the irrelevant purple rat dipshit headass commented.

"You can't talk, who the fuck spells their name like that?"

"Well why does your voice sound like that?"

"It's a condition!"

"Ssjfvhj skfbvfhbv hfsvbyrb hdh hsfbh," Lil Kidz Bop spat. The other two were taken aback.

"Whoa, that's fucking far, dude," Assten replied.

"Yeah, calm down, LKB," Felonious Steven added as well. "Guys, we gotta focus. How are we gonna make Felony Fest go big?"

"I dunno," Loud Purple Rat responded. "What were you thinking of lineup-wise?"

"Well, I know I'm performing, obviously. LKB, you can perform too. And Assface, you have a little irrelevant band of your own, right? What was it called again? Waterslides, or something like that? I don't really give a shit, but y'all can perform, you need it."

"Wait, so, I can't call you Steven, but you can call me Assface? Y'know what, whatever, I have an idea. So the lineup I had in mind was Ke$ha, my band Waterparks, Waterparks again, Waterparks, more Waterparks, Slaughterparks, Beach Retreat, you, you again, Lil Kidz Bop, and then Waterparks again. Oh, and the finale is Fall Out Boy."

"That's fucking stupid, what the fuck is wrong with you? This is Felony Fest, how come I only perform twice and your unpopular asses perform five times? And LKB only performs once? The only things I agree with are Ke$ha and Fall Out Boy. Maybe a few of those other motherfuckers you mentioned. How about we replace H2o-whatever with Felony Steve, let LKB perform as many times as he fucking wants no matter what, Ke$ha performs at least three times, and everyone else can perform once. But your shitty ass band only gets half a set."

"The fuck?" Austen asked. "That's unfair."

"Get back to me when you have an album as big as Money Mountain Vol. II."

"Fuck you, mcbitch face!"

"Sjhdfh sfbvh, vsjkh," Little Children's Bopfest tried to calm that whiny ass bitch down.

"I will not calm down!"

"I can see you're mad, maybe we can compromise," Stephen of Felonytown suggested.

"I'm listening..."

And so, Felony Steve, Lil Kidz Bop, and Awsten Knight negotiated and compromised, and Felony Fest was a success. The final lineup was: Felony Steve, Ke$ha, Lil Kidz Bop, 3/4 of a Waterparks set, Felony Steve ft. Ke$ha and Lil Kidz Bop, December's Tragedy, ParxBoiz, Beach Retreat, Slaughterparks, Green Day but it's just them staring at you for 20 minutes, Big Time Rush, Felony Steve ft. Ke$ha, Lil Kidz Bop, Kyle Fletchers of December's Tragedy, and Emotional Dylyn; and Fall Out Boy. It toured all around Canada, with one stop in Alaska, and one stop in Antarctica (because no one ever comes to them smh). The only thing sold there was Money Mountain Vol: II CDs. No food, no drinks, no merch, just Felony Steve CDs. You're hungry? Eat a CD. Thirsty and dying of heat exhaustion (especially you Antarctic bitches)? Blend a CD with ice and fucking chug that shit. Money Mountain Vol: II is love, Money Mountain Vol: II is life.

The. Motherfucking. End.