I wake up screaming and crying out for my Father. I'm aware I'm begging Father for strength and so scared I'm trembling. Sitting up in my bed and opening my eyes I cry out again. Nothing is as it should be, the shadows, those evil, soul sucking demons of the darkness surround me still. I don't know where I am.
Sweat trickles down my back, my hair soaked and plastered to my face. I'm shivering. I rub my eyes frantically, trying to wipe the visions away but... they are still here. I'm surrounded and I'm awake. I'm lost for a moment, trapped by the terror and uncertainty of my recurrent nightmare, unsure if there's a difference between the two worlds. I'm living in a mesh between, a hazy world, a blend of physical and spiritual, walking the veil. I never asked for this, but I've dreamt it since I was a child...
I'm alive, I'm in flesh, in pain and stuck. I've drifted away from my purpose, forgotten over the years my oath to the ONE I love. He is love. I am love. I am light, but I'm dark. I'm not sure if I trust myself...
I pull back the covers and dart out of bed, eyeing it like a Cobra, ready to strike me any second. I'm not a huge fan of sleep lately. "Baby, hold me," I plead for arms to hold me tight. I'm not sure if I am capable, if it's me being called to fight. I feel it...deep in parts of my mind and body, it's that little voice inside, the thoughts, whims and visions of an innocent child. I'm not sure it's intuition, or maybe more, maybe less...Reality based on imagination, the child's dreams come true, spreading wings and taking the plunge, in faith I fly...
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She didn't know I was watching her...not at first anyway. I'm so sorry for her, the struggles, the torment she faces. I'm not sure why I'd love to see her HAPPY but... I'm here to make her burn. I don't get to have an opinion. I just want a chance. I have to be her EVERYTHING even if I am the end. I'm her beginning, she was just another girl before I gave her the visions. I made her special. Father may have thought she was special too, but... she was mine. Mine. I just want her... I have to get my hands on the same Angel that I must agonize and must not desire. That much was made clear. I'm to watch. Never more, Never more!! To show her the darkness, in visions of evil, being the bearer of the very torment she dreads, to awaken her soul, prepare her for her purpose. I'm not sure what that is exactly, but...I'm not sure if I can do it. I love Father, reigning from the Beginning to the Eternal Evermore. But he must be wrong. I have to have her...even if it destroys us both...
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The first rays of morning sun peek through my curtains, announcing a much brighter and cheery awakening than my earlier one. I'm too old to be scared of the dark, what has gotten into me?! Flashes of my night terrors still make me tremble but...I feel much safer in the morning light. I'm not sure if my dreams are visions, but... they feel so real, as if I'm in another dimension, fighting for them all. I have to look into this astral projection I've heard of. I wonder sometimes if I'm losing my mind...
"Mommy!!" I'm beckoned by my daughter, excited at the sun pouring thru the windows of our home like a river's raging current, relentless and overpowering. I briefly contemplate asking what the hell she's so happy about but "Good morning baby!" is my automatic response. I'm ready for another day, I guess.
"Let's go eat breakfast and maybe take a walk?"
"Yeah, MOM, let's go for a walk, will you help with my shoes? I can't put them on myself!"
Two exasperating hours later and the sun's glare is almost bright enough to abandon my simple walk to the corner store. I swear it feels closer and I don't know why. I'm just paying too much attention to the little things, growing mountains out of mole hills again. Right?!
The street I live on is by reputation a lot worse than reality. Ran down apartment complexes, covered layer by layer with chipping paint, sprayed over each weathered layer repeatedly in a not so sly attempt to "renovate" and jack up rent on the collapsing properties. I call it home. I'm beyond trying to find ways to call it something other than it is, it's a ghetto, a culdesac of cheap apartments filled with what the upper class citizens would deem delinquents or failures.
I call these my friends. People who know struggles, pain, joys and relate to a feeling of being kicked in the wind. I find these people understand, they have lived life, the successes, the joys and triumphs, the most severe of both worlds, the defeats and circumstances or consequence that led them to be a part of my world. I firmly believe that without struggles one will never really triumph, what is a destination five minutes away, lacking the depth of a journey? That is life,a winding road with bumps and potholes, careening down the road in an overflowing caravan, dropping junk along the way. I have faith in whatever is left in that caravan at journeys end, discarding outmoded beliefs, throwing out easy wins and triumphs, casting aside materialistic nuisances to get to the heart of what REALLY matters. I'm constantly restocking my caravan, something my peers fail to due often. I reflect, I don't dream of future goals, I've never understood them the way some do, as if obsessing turns a goal into a tangible future you can reach out and grasp. Reminds me of the reach for the stars slogan, propaganda of elementary and middle schools. I believe in introspection, perception and that certain things are only attainable by certain people, it's life...and its never been fair. I'm aware most call this cynicism.
Staring into the daylight ahead of me I sense someone coming before I make out their shape, barely a dark blip in the brightness in front of me... I feel my hair stand on end and grip my daughter's hand like a vice, daring the devil himself to pry us apart. It's hot and it's cold, time blurs and stands ALL at once, dragging the two of us and spitting us back out in the same place, same time but...everything is standing still. Silent and still. I dare to break the cascading silence, calling out, standing my ground, "Who are you and what do you want?!"
I'm blown away when my daughter replies, "Mom, be still. I know them, these are the Children of God."
"It is I, Truths Messenger, bearing His Eternal Wisdom. You shall call me Urithiel, as my true name is too glorious to speak in your language and could mortally wound you. I have a message for you, from He Himself." The voice of the self proclaimed messenger trembled the earth and ceased the beating in my chest. Everything in me wants to tuck tail and run...but I can't. I don't remember how. I am in awe, such a brilliant, luminous being is hovering a couple feet off the ground, right in front of me. He's magnificent! The form dims just enough for me to make out his features. Brilliant navy blue rimmed eyes that shone such a light blue around the pupils they were almost transparent, emitting a glow that mesmerized while penetrating into the very depths of your soul. I have to look away for fear what I may find about myself, as if all past discrepancies and errors are on trial and I'm guilty as sin itself. I'm tempted to chart the depths, though only briefly...
I have a feeling that charting the depths of Urithiel's surreal blue neon orbs is similar to dreams of flying and falling, liberation and gut wrenching fear, playing out endlessly, twisting, turning and churning your soul till all it's contents lay bare at your feet and on display for all to see... I tremble at the thought, feeling unworthy and suddenly very timid. I'm still fighting my instinct to tuck tail and run, though now I'm battling my urge to dive headfirst into those eyes, to see the contents of my soul, the good, the bad and the ugly, knowing full well my feeble mind will shatter if I give in to temptation. I am here to tell you to rise. You will know when, trust your instincts, I'm guiding you. My Dear Child of Lord, wandering through the dark and feeling abandoned,I have been watching you, waiting for the day you were ready. I cannot assist you if you don't let me...have faith, I'm placing my faith in you! Your divine spark is now activated, become one with it and it will guide you, never to fizzle or dim, unless you extinguish it yourself. I don't suggest you do, as the darkness will surely claim your soul with none of my divine light to
ward it off. I love you my child, make amends and spread your light... The beautiful Messenger said without vocalizing a single word. I'm hanging on every unspoken syllable, the voice in my head one of such melodic perfection I pray it continues forever. I'm heartbroken, devastated when it stops and the beautiful, masculine, glowing figure cocks it's head at me as if to see if I'm listening. I couldn't ignore the vision of perfection in front of me if I tried. And something inside me tells me not to attempt it...
