First Last Steps

Chapter Two

I drive. I drive for what feels like hours. I know it probably was only minutes but I don't care. All I know is that I can't go home. I can't face my dad. I stop at a gas station after what feels like an eternity of driving, yet I know it couldn't have been. If I'm not going home, I should figure out where I am going. I shakily pull out my phone, nearly dropping it. I check to see if there's anyone I could be comfortable staying with. I know there isn't even before I type in my passcode, almost dropping my phone again in the process. I realize how much I'm shaking and breath. I have a boyfriend, Micheal, but I wouldn't want to bother him. It's not a good relationship. I just needed someone. And I still do. We'll probably break up when things get better for me. If they ever do. He understands. Or at least I hope he does. I call him on accident. Or maybe partly on purpose. I don't hang up and shoot him a "sorry. accidentally call u" message like I have so many times. I need someone. It's been ringing for a bit and I don't think he'll answer. I hope it's like some book where they answer at the last second but it isn't.

I like to think about if I was in a book sometimes. It distracts me. If I was a book character everything would be better. Not good, authors love a character who's life is wrecked with tragedy, but I'd still be better. Maybe I wouldn't have the scars on my arm. Or maybe they wouldn't be as deep. Or maybe I wouldn't have the pills and bottle of alcohol stashed in my car in case I decide to use them that day. Or maybe I just wouldn't have already tried to use them. My mind is so overwhelmed with what would happen if I was in a book, I don't realize that Micheal is calling me back. As I answer I realize I don't know what I'm going to say.

"Hey," is what I end up starting with.

"Hey," he responds. "What's up? I haven't heard from you all summer?"

"Today was my dads baby shower."

"Really? Is your dad dating again?"

"No. He adopted a baby girl. He doesn't see it, but he's replacing me."

"That sucks. How'd you handle yourself at the baby shower? That must have been hard, to celebrate what's replacing you."

"I tried to leave when it got to hard but I kinda had an outburst."

"What happened?"

I tell him. I try to make it short. I feel bad. I only talk to him when I have a problem.

"Wow. So you're just sitting at a gas station?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want me to come on down? Or you could come stay with me? I'm still not out to my parents so it wouldn't matter."

I only wanted to talk, but it sounds nice to get to go spend time with him. "Yeah sure. I'll come on over to your house. Thanks."

"It's no problem. What's a boyfriend for anyways? I'll text you my address. Bye."

"Ok bye."