Prideful Shirts

15: Goodbye.

I guess it's going to have to hurt, I guess I'm going to have to cry, and let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side. I guess it's going to break me down, like fallin' when you try to fly, sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.
~Carrie Underwood

I can't believe she's gone.

I mean, I knew it was going to happen, but still. Even with Nik here, the apartment is too empty. Neither of us have gone into her room since she moved out a month ago. I haven't allowed it. Nik keeps trying to convince me to go in there, however, claiming it'll be therapeutic or something. I don't believe that at all. I think it'll just cause me more pain than I already feel. I'm just thankful that time heals all wounds. I'm not as heartbroken as I first was when she left, just slightly less heartbroken now. Well, at least there's progress.

I can't believe I'm still an optimist.

Maybe one day, my heart will be healed enough to see her empty room. Maybe one day, I'll be able to move on from her. Maybe one day, I'll be okay.

But until that day happens, I will go to work and when I'm not at work, I will sit in my room and mope, which is what I'm doing right now.

"Freya." I hear my brother's voice from the doorway of my room, mildly surprising me. I place my bookmark in the book I'm reading, gently closing the book and placing it on my bed next to me before replying to Nikolas,

"Yes, Nik?" He sighs then steps into my room, holding something out for me to take,

"I found an old letter in Imogen's room that I'm guessing she unintentionally left behind. I haven't looked at it. I thought you should, just to see if it's something important that we should try to get back to her or just something to throw away."

"Okay, let me see," I say, not really thinking about it. Then, it hits me, "Wait, you went into Imogen's room?!" I unintentionally say her name, causing myself to flinch. I shake my head and instead focus on continuing to scold my brother, "Behind my back?! Why would you do that?"

"I went in there to clean it up and make sure Imogen didn't leave anything behind! It's not healthy for you to be avoiding the room like you are, you need to go in there to help you move on." Nik retorts, his voice rising slightly just like mine did when I spoke. I just glare at Nik in retaliation, annoyed by his constant pestering and demand to go into her old room. I'll do it when I'm ready. Maybe.

"Just give me the letter and leave." I snap at my brother, practically ripping the envelope from his hands. Nik just sighs and responds in a calm voice,

"Fine." He stomps out of my room and a few moments later, I can hear the TV. I then focus on the letter now in my grasp. I go to open the already opened envelope, but something in me is telling me it's wrong to open it here, or maybe even just to read it at all. It might be really personal. However, my curiosity wins out.

I exit my room and creep down the hallway, pausing in front of the closed wooden door, the door I haven't touched in a month. I debate whether or not I should just go back to my room, but something in me is pushing me to go into her old bedroom too read this letter. So, I listen.

I reach forward with my free hand and tightly grip the door handle, turning it and pushing forward, causing the door to swing open slowly. Tears prickle at my eyes when I see her now barren bedroom, the only thing filling the space being her old furniture, the pain that constantly tugs at my heart yanking on me with more ferocity now. I fully enter her room in a daze, gently closing her bedroom door behind me.

I sit on her bed and stare at the envelope in my hands, my mind still in a shock-like state. It's just too weird to see her once vibrant and heavily decorated bedroom desolate and empty. It hurts. It takes me who knows how long in order to get my thoughts organized in order to be able to concentrate on the letter Nik found in here. With a shaky breath in and out, I carefully slide the paper free from the envelope and start to read,