The New Normal - A Mystic Messenger Fanfiction (One Shots)

A/N

This is my first time publishing any of my creative writing and I'll start with why I'm writing, if you want to skip to the story skip this note.

Why I got into Otome games and what they mean to me: I don't miss dating not really, I do enjoy being married but I tend to feel something is lacking. I can't always (if ever) explain myself to anyone even my husband. My thoughts get jumbled, my emotions get muddled, I have no idea what I actually want but I never would stop long enough to think about it either. So I would continue down the same path, just trying to get to the next point in life. Waiting for something to happen, something to get better but never knowing what the end result should be or what I really want it to be.

What I have discovered that I do want is to re write some of the behaviors and norms I created in the first few years of my marriage. I flipped between being clingy to distant, overly sensitive to having no emotions at all. I have depression that is being treated but it was a long road to get to where I am today and I know that journey is not over. Due to that whip lash behavior my husband isn't as responsive as I wish he was, but then I also went through some very traumatic experiences during my dating years before I met him. They say you bring baggage to a relationship but no one tells you how long it takes to unpack and deal with said baggage, most times it feels easier to just set it aside to deal with it later...

Due to my depression I was put on medication, the first of those took away all emotions, all passion and all desire to do anything other than keep moving forward. There was no happiness, sadness or anything, I was empty. I knew something was wrong and knew I needed to make a change. When I was watching a movie that used to always makes me cry and I shrugged it off while my husband cried his eyes out (he is not a crier typically, I can count every time he has cried in the last 8 years on one hand). I realized I wanted to cry, to feel those emotions to experience 'the feels' but couldn't.

Enter new medication

I was taken off of one medication and put on a new one with really painful results; I suddenly had every emotion all at once. I would cry to commercials, shake in fear to scary movies, burst into tears of joy with every epic musical number on TV and sometimes I would just be lost on what emotion was appropriate for the situation. It was really confusing and just hurt, I knew something was still not right but I couldn't pin point it. With all those emotions came anger as well.

Cue Manic Depression Diagnosis

When I wasn't on a medication at all; if I got frustrated or flustered and needed to explain myself or was just misunderstood my mind would short circuit. I would being to black out if I tried to explain my anger or frustration. I couldn't process what was happening and the final straw was when I gave myself a concussion which left a lesion on my brain even years later it hasn't healed. It was a moment of just make it stop in anyway possible, all I remember now was falling to the floor face first (I don't' remember the impact) and waking up in my husbands worried arms. 

It has been 8 years now, I got married really young and wasn't sure of what I wanted other than I just didn't want to be alone. I got lucky that I picked a wonderful person. I look for his personality and quarks in every Otome game I play. I try to pick one character that embodies him best from each game and dub them my favorite. At first I was afraid to play any of the 'dating' games because I thought I would be cheating on him with my heart. I found that I was actually looking for him in everything I read.

So if you've made it this far in reading I'm sure you have already begun to see a theme emerge. Writing is therapy and I hope I can inspire someone else who is struggling to find a creative outlet or to reach out in anyway possible.