His skin wrinkled between his brows like it always did when he was confused. I would miss that most about him. I was a very confusing person, I haven't even figured myself out and I'm 20. I would miss confusing him.
"You're not gonna say anything? You're not upset?" He quietly uttered in disbelief.
I wasn't upset. I was shocked. I was scared, yeah, I knew this day would come.
I stared blankly. Not at him, but past him, to the door.
I knew that as soon as I'd walked out that door, I would never come back.
So many times I had walked through that doorway. It led to the hallway on the third floor of the apartment complex.
This would most likely be the last time I sat at this table and the last time we would eat together.
I loved change. I would invite it into my life like a friend, or sunrays actually. Soaking it all up, but I would miss the old routines, I would miss his familiar face.
"Please say something, it wasn't easy for me to just say that, you know?"
I shifted my stare to his eyes. I had no words. I knew this was coming yet it felt like my life was turning upside down. I wanted this to happen and I knew I would feel this way when the time came and yet it felt almost impossible to understand.
My lips parted slightly, but I had nothing to say, so I closed them back up.
His arms crossed over his chest and he let out a huge sigh. I had never seen him so confused. He was angry and hurt at the same time.
It was weird, to say the least, watching him squirm under my blank expression. He wished he could see into my mind. To know what I was thinking. To comprehend the person that I am, but he couldn't, and he wouldn't. Ever.
Our time had run out. He wanted those answers now and I couldn't give them to him.
Somehow, I always had a way of making people obsessed with me but I didn't understand why. I didn't think I was special or anything that came close to it, but everybody else around me seemed to like me a lot. And when I hurt them, they felt like it was their own fault, like they weren't good enough when in all actuality it was me. I was the problem. I was the toxic person people should cut out of their lives. I am the poison.
"Avina, please say something."
My heart was beating in my chest and I swear I could hear it. I didn't know what to say, my anxiety was crawling up from the ground into my toes, creeping up to meet my gut, full of uncertainty and dread.
I felt awkward all the while as well.
I'm pretty sure my face still stood bare and unnerving, like it usually did in serious situations.
I had to say something now or it would be him to walk out of his own apartment.
"Is that how you feel?" I said. Of course that's how he felt. I could see it in his eyes. Pain was slowly filling up his system. All I could do was watch his emotions through his eyes and body language.
I never understood how one person could fall in love with someone and then let that person hurt them so much, to let them tear you apart, and make you weak.
Maybe I was just stubborn.
Or maybe I didn't have a heart, maybe I was incapable of loving at all.
And that was what was terrifying me right now.
I had always seen Blake as this strong individual. I had never seen him cry or get angry. He always had the best grades, from middle school to now in college. His smile was beautiful, it warmed my heart when I'd make him laugh. His laugh was loud and obnoxious, but I loved it anyway. His hair was an impeccable, brown curly mess on his head at all times. His eyes were bright and blue like the sky, sparkling all day long. They were big and curious about everything, about me. Those eyes were what caught my attention in the first place.
He had always been.. perfect.
Tonight, the guy sitting before me was disheveled. I was literally watching him fall apart before me, and I couldn't do anything. I didn't know what to do. I was never good at comforting people.
"I mean I want to believe I'm just exaggerating." He managed to get out.
I had never seen him cry until now. Not once. He was always happy and joyous. He led a good example for me.
I knew I was the reason for this pain and I knew I wouldn't forget him so easily. He cared about me. He loved me. He wanted me in his life forever.
If only I could reciprocate the feelings.
Tears were forming in my eyes as well, but I was crying because I had hurt him, not because of what he said.
To me words were just words. To me they didn't mean anything. It's what people do that interest me. It's what they don't say that gets me curious.
I broke Blake Everton, and I couldn't have been more disappointed in myself once again.
"I'm sorry." Was all I said.
In that moment he knew there was no going back. I didn't say it but I had confirmed it. Any hope he had left was gone. Any hope he had for me was gone, and any hope he had for us, was gone.
I wanted to hug him and apologize, but that wouldn't fix anything.
I took a deep breathe. I felt drained, having to put this front of "I have no idea what you're talking about" all day. I was ready to go home and forget about this tragic dinner.
I got up from the table and pushed the chair in.
"Please don't go." He looked up reaching for my hand which I hesitantly pulled away. I wasn't sure if that would hurt him more than I already have.
I looked at him straight in the eyes. I knew if I stayed, it would hurt him more than anything. I knew him to well and stringing him along would only crush him more.
What made me more sad than anything was watching his pained face look up at me, knowing fully well that he didn't care as long as I was with him. But not everything lasts forever, and this was one of those things.
I walked out that night through that white door I had so many times loved walking through. I didn't look back and I hadn't seen him since. He never tried reaching out to me and I didn't either. I missed him like hell. I choked up every now and than thinking about him, but he just wasn't for me. And I wasn't for him.
He was too kind and perfect, and I was evil, I didn't deserve him.
