inquietude. xxxtentacion

I

jahseh's point of view.

My brain is an extinguished fire. Once it burnt bright and I knew of happiness and light; I could see a future... Now my mind is dark, subsisting on the burnt tinder of who I was. In these ashes there is nothing to even renew a spark.

All I can do is huddle in this moment, live from heartbeat to heartbeat. I feel like the world isn't really there at all, like it was stolen and replaced with something empty, photoshopped, fake.

It makes sense in a weird way, the real world gave me feelings of joy. I felt connected to it, part of it. But either it was taken away or I was; every second of every minute of every day all I can do is float in the void.

At a very young age I was placed inside of a mental institution. My dad was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was only 17, and got killed in a gang related situation when he was only 27.

Supposedly schizophrenia is very hereditary and passes down in certain situations, my father's grandfather had schizophrenia. Before he was diagnosed though, he took a bunch of drugs. Pills that weren't prescribed to him, snorted lines of cocaine, meth, anything you can think of.  He was a drug addict, which triggered a huge nerve, and caused him to get diagnosed with schizophrenia.

My father unfortunately went down the same path as him. I was put into the institution to prevent anything from happening. My mother told them that I was showing signs of schizophrenic diseases. But I swear I only had a huge imagination, I didn't have any friends so what was I even supposed to do? My happiness was taken away from me at a very young age. I barely got to see the light of day.

Once my mother used to come visit me every Saturday. She reminded me how much "mommy loves me." That she put me in here cause "mommy cares for me." That "mommy didn't want me to go down the same route as daddy went."

Then she suddenly stopped. She stopped and so did any of the dying happiness I had left inside of me. But my oldest best brother/bestfriend would always visit me. My mother put him under the emergency contact list, which she made a huge mistake cause as soon as he turned 18 he checked me out (which was only about two days ago.) His name was Stokeley. He was all I had, and we aren't even related.

During those years locked up with mentally insane people I did get diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, and Anxiety. Not schizophrenia. In fact, the doctors say that if I continue staying drug free, by the age of 18 I will have a 0% chance of inheriting it. Which I was only 3 months away from.

Two days ago I was finally released from the institution. I was supposed to be released about a year and a half ago.

• flash back- about a half a year ago •

Today was a very special day. Although my mother had abandoned me for all these years, i'm finally getting released and picked up. She called and said she was ready for me, which made me feel less shitty.

I finished putting the rest of my clothes and notebooks in the Walmart bag that they provided. Cheap fucks. A few moments later there was a knock at the door.

"Mr. Onfroy, your mother is here waiting for you."

"Be right out." I say loud enough for them to hear. I clear my throat and pick up the bag, nervous for what I was about to see.

I open the door and see my mother waiting outside. I looked at her and smiled, the feeling was not reciprocated though. She held a face of disgust and scrutiny.

"What is on your face? You inked your body?" She yelled, referring to my face tats.

I would always get tattoos with Stokeley whenever he would visit me, and take me out. Of course only when I practiced good behavior.

My smile dropped as fast as my depression would come. It's like whenever I see or feel happiness, depression is like :

"No. That is not my son. I don't want that." She shakes her head in disapproval. The guards held onto my arms, trying to pull me back into my room.

"Mom!" I yell out in anger. I started punching and kicking everywhere, I was going insane.
"Mom what the fuck!" I scream as tears were bound to fall from my face. After all these years she comes back and then leaves again?

I kicked one of the guards in the dick and one in the face, I think one of them broke there nose too. It kept going this way until someone snuck behind me and shot me up with something, making me instantly fall asleep.

That suspended my visiting rights for a month and I couldn't be released for another year.

• flash back over •

Now I know what you guys are all thinking. Why the fuck would I be in some church school? It was a requirement in order to get out of the mental institution early, I only got 4 months to do this though. And I got to finish the rest of my high school months in order to do so.

So basically on weekends I have to spend time at church, which I don't even fucking believe in God... Or at-least I don't even know what's real or not. But all I can say is that 4 months at some church, is not gonna fix me. On top of that, on week days I have to go to public school.

Every month I have to print out a record on what grades I have, attendance, and if any disciplinary action was put out on me, and mail it to the Broward County Institution.

This first chapter was literally so short and I apologize. I wanted to clear up any confusion as to what happened with Jah. Your confusion will die down within the next few chapters of course. Also, Jahseh did high school in the institution. The story will officially start in the next chapter.

One more thing: Should I continue this? Idk I feel like it's kinda basic already but I don't know. Hm.