A Choice

It's so hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain. I can't stay, but I can't stay away. I feel like this is what I've been looking for. But it's hell all the same. It hurts so much, but I have to wonder, is it worth it? Could this be where I belong? And I wonder, is it punishment, or reward?

Sophomore year in high school, I was new. It was second semester, and I still didn't know anybody, nor was I very familiar with this part of the school. I made it to my last class on time, just barely, and most seats were full. I really only had two options, sit with the guys joking around across the room, or sit by the door. By her. Naturally, I had to choose the latter. A simple question started it all, one that I would come to be grateful for, and regret. I asked her, "Can I sit here?"

She said yes, simply enough. I didn't know her name, and she didn't know mine. The girl next to her I knew, though I don't remember from where, but we weren't friends. She seemed cool, just not quite the kind of person I usually associated myself with. After all, I was always was a little picky about who I considered to be my friends. She wasn't quite what I was used to either, so I guess I wasn't picky enough.

The teacher went through roll call and began introductions. There was a little game for us all to get to know each other, which I participated in as little as possible. After that, it was mostly chatting. The rest of the semester would turn out to be like that, for the most part. Conversation started with her, and before I knew it, a crush was brewing. Just what I needed. By the end of the day, I was sure of it. I liked her, and I had to get to know her better. I couldn't wait to see her the next day.

The second day came, and she was there in the same seat. I was there as soon as possible, as you can imagine. We ended up with assigned seats that day, though somehow the three of us managed to stay at our little table by the door. There was a small assignment or two, and we went on our way.

A few days passed, talking to her at any given opportunity. That Friday, she was absent. I remember just being quiet that day. I spoke to the other girl little. The teacher was practically a friend by then as well, and her desk was right by ours, so we talked a little, too. I went home on the bus, just hoping for the weekend to go by fast. You know I liked her an awful lot if I wanted to skip the weekend.

Monday came, soon enough, and I saw her again. I continued to get to know her, trying to learn anything I could. And I did, I learned a lot about her. The more I learned, the more I liked her. She was fun, outgoing. She sang, she went out and did things, she didn't really seem afraid of anything. Her family was a little complicated, and I admit she wasn't the smartest in the classroom (though many would have argued, and might still, that I was the smartest in the room), but I didn't mind that. In fact, I liked it, because she kept on going anyways. I had never liked anyone this much up to this point, it was new to me; and scary, to say the least.

This all continued on for a couple of months. I always sat alone at lunch on a small bench, right where the entire cafeteria was in view. I knew where everyone sat pretty early on, and it didn't take long to learn it. And, of course, I knew where she sat, too. It was pretty close, actually, a table right on the edge. Her and a small group of people, most of which I would later be familiar with. I glanced over, and she was talking to another girl at the table. I look the other way, and suddenly I hear her voice get louder as she says my name. She wasn't calling for me, she was talking about me. Glancing back over, she waved and smiled.

The next day, I decided to ask her about it. I didn't usually do that sort of thing, but I was curious, and my confidence was growing. She told me that the other girl had been watching me at lunch here and there for a little while, and that she thought I was cute. Can you see the drama about to begin? I could.

A few more days passed. By this time, it was mid March. Nearly every day, she brought up that girl again. Even threatened to ask her out for me at one point. She argued that if she did, I couldn't say no. I didn't like hurting people's feelings, and she knew that. I hated it when she was right. She had me actually meet this girl, since up until then I had only ever even seen her from a distance. After a good amount of pressure not only from the girl I liked, but their friends as well, I agreed to give this other girl a chance. This is where our long story really begins.