Thoughts

A letter to an old friend

Dear Alyssa,
   
  I'm sorry.
I don't think I ever truly realized the
horror you were going through
All day
All night
That's what it seemed like to me.

You never slept,
Barely ate,
Had panic attacks
Constantly.

I can never wipe the memories from my mind,
No matter how hard I try.
Thrn I asked you why you did those things.
You said;
"I have PTSD."
I had no idea how awful those four letters could be.

I said, too casually,
"Oh, my mom has that too! She had alchoholic abusive parents, why do you have it?"

I will forever regret that sentence.

Because I saw you shaking,
Crying,
Shivering in fear.

You replied; "I was raped, a year ago."
You burst into tears.
A friend came over and tried to calm you down.
I just stood there.
Mouth agape in horror.
I couldn't move.
Couldn't speak.

Because with those six words, my world view was flipped.

That night, I silently cried.
I prayed, desperately,
"Please let the awful bastard that did this to her die and go to hell!"
Because then I understood the self-starvation,
The insomnia,
The panic attacks.

You were reliving the moment.

You were experiencing that horrific thing.

Every time you had a panic attack, after that,
I was terrified.
Every time I cried, I cried for you.

But you...
You were so fantastically strong.
So brave.
You were able to push through your trauma.
Every time you fell down, you got back up, stronger than before.

You are the strongest, bravest, most amazing person I have ever known, and ever will know.
And if you pushed through this, and found the strength to comfort others,
Then damn, I can find that strength as well.

You are my hero.
I'm sorry for saying those words that triggered those memories.
I hope that somehow you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Even if you never read this,
You gave me strength.
I hope your story can give others the same strength.

Stay strong,
Alyssa.

--Lily