Cold Water

5

This week is going by really slow. It doesn't help the fact that everywhere I turn, every space I'm in, I see her smiling face. The spaces turn a gray color once I realize that she can never be mine, her heart, belonging to someone else.

It didn't have to be this way.

Tahani was right - I had to be self righteous. And now?

Currently a hot mess.

So, what does a twenty-two year old single man do to pass the time besides working on choreographies? I managed to convince my parents to turn Serris' old room into a workout room. It's  not much, but it's been helping.

I have to numb the pain somehow, and for some gratifying reason, weight training has helped. A lot. And these past few days more so than dancing.

Now, dancing reminds me of this pain. The pain that at times overwhelms me because dancing and Kaycee is one and the same to me. 

But when we dance together, she numbs up the pain somehow, until the music ends and I have to return back to reality. The reality that I will now only just be a friend to her.

Everything turns to gray again.

Music blaring in my earphones, I hear my mom yell something from downstairs. Too focused to stop, I ignore her call and pushed through what I'm currently doing. I have to numb this pain out somehow, and it's working.

I don't feel a thing.

Yeah, dumbass. But your body will feel it tomorrow. At least that pain I can take.

As I am about to put away the weights I was lifting, I let out a surprised yell when I see her facing me by the closed door.

"Kayc. What the hell! Don't scare me like that," I tell her, trying to slowdown my racing heart. 

"I'm sorry, Sean. I knocked five times, but you didn't answer and I got worried that you hurt yourself somehow," she replied sheepishly, trying not to laugh.

"How...how long have you been standing there exactly?" I asked her out of curiosity.

"A few minutes," she answers me, slightly embarrassed. "You looked really focused and I didn't want to disturb you. Who knew the Sean Lew lifted weights," she adds.

"Are you sure it's not because you just wanted to look at me shirtless?" I teased right back. The shade of red that she turned into can rival a tomato.

"Well, I wasn't –"

"Kaycee, I'm kidding. Why look at me when you have a boyfriend that you can actually ogle at, you know?" I say to her, trying to make light of the awkward situation I put her in.

You wish it was you she was ogling at. Yeah, let's not think about that right now.

"Is everything ok?" I ask her while my sweaty shirt back on.

"Yeah. I just came by to see if you were still good for this Friday after JoJo's class? Dinner with the gang?"

"Yes, of course. I wouldn't miss it for the world, Ricebowl."

"Thank you, Sean. That means a lot to me," she says gratefully, grabbing my hand as we walk down the flight of stairs. "It means a lot to us both," she adds, squeezing my hand in gratitude.

All of a sudden, my body feels cold. How am not dead yet?

I let go of her hand quickly, but not too fast to where she would suspect anything. Her words and her touch, suddenly inflicting pain.

I feel the numbness overwhelm me.

"Would you care for some company and watch Friends?" she asks hopefully as she smiles.

Flawless. This woman will be the death of me.

"I'm sorry, Kayc. Not tonight. I was planning on hitting the shower and calling it in early" I answer her sadly.

"You are getting enough sleep, right?" she retorts back, searching my eyes.

"I'm getting by. Just have a lot of things going on in my mind."

Yeah, you try sleeping peacefully with this constant pain and ache in your chest.

"Alright then. It was great to see you. Only if it was for a little while," she says, turning around to face me, ready to bid me good night.

I admire her beauty as we walk to the front door.

"I'll see you in class?" she asks me again before turning to leave for the night.

I smile down at her as I grab the back of her head with my right hand, guiding her towards my lips as I place a gently kiss on her forehead.

At this point, I'll take what I can get.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, Ricebowl," I reassure her, looking down and giving her my patented Sean Lew smile.

She offers me one last smile before leaving. I close and lock the door behind me and looked at my surroundings once again. I look up towards Serris' old room and let out a long sigh.

Great, now that room too.

It didn't have to be this way, you know. Yes. I know.

This constant pain is a reminder of that.

Of what could have been.

You don't know that.

As I let sleep and exhaustion overtake me, my thoughts linger on getting my own place.

A place she hasn't invaded.

What else am I supposed to do when I feel this low?

Don't let go.