The War Within Me {ON HOLD}

Thanks a Lot, Anxiety

CHAPTER 5

"Did I just spy Twinkle and hot guy next door walking together?" Mum smiles from her spot on the couch as I walk in the door.

'Twinkle' is a nickname I picked up from my grandpa back when he was alive. He always said that I was "bright and as twinkly as a star". Of course, that was when I was a baby, but 'Twinkle' still stuck.

I smile slightly and tuck my hair behind my ears. "His name is Garrett. And he was just talking to me about-"

I stop myself short, because I didn't want to mention what happened at school today.

She frowns, "About what?"

"Nothing. It was just a jolly chinwag."

"That's codswallop. What really happened, Nova?"

I hang my backpack up on the hook and turn back to face her. "Doesn't matter, Mum. Have you taken your meds?"

"Have you?"

I sigh, becoming more angered by the second, "Doesn't matter. I spend all day everyday worrying about you, could you please just lemme know you're okay?"

"Don't get shirty with me, missy," She says, but takes a deep breath and nods, "I'm fine. And I'm sorry you're worried."

I smile lightly, relieved she's okay.

I take my homework out and walk out of the room. Away from her pestering questions and worriedness about me. Away from her bald head. Away from the blue and purple veins creating a big spider on her scalp. Away from the slowly shriveling image of my mother.

I grab my phone off the counter. Just to check that stupid post.

Once in the safety of my room, I flop down on my bed and unlock my phone. I see a notification; [novaalmarota] .Emma.Bonita. tagged you in a post!

I click on the app, and find the post. There's now 315 comments and 1,104 likes. Great.

I click on the comment section and anxiously read through the comments;

Annebellebelle2001: WOW! Really?! I thought she was just a really closed off little Wednesday Adams XD ...like she's an actual freak lol

FootballJoey8: Lol

KingsleyPalodegolf: She's honestly cheating. All us girls work our butts off in the gym, and she gets away by just refusing to eat. Like srsly??

_ChrisGrosero_: So that's why she's ugly af

JaCoB_Odio: Dude now ppl r gonna feel bad 4 her. If she wasn't so dramatic, she wouldn't have the freakin eating disorder. It's her fault.

I scroll through many more horrendous comments that spark tears in my eyes before I reach a group of nicer comments...including Garrett and Lydia.

IGarretPlacerI: I don't understand what the point is with mocking eating disorders. They're a real problem and u guys think ur being logical but there are people killing themselves, harming themselves, and hating themselves bc of people like u. It's not cool.

I want to kiss him. That was amazing. He's one of the most popular people in the school, and he's speaking up against eating disorders. I notice that there are replies, and click to read them.

.Emma.Bonita.: We're proving the truth- that ppl with eating disorders r just being dramatic, hun.

liamcojo: ??

m.a.s.o.n: someone got a new crush?

SoccerBeast: lol

IGarretPlacerI: This is rediculous, guys. You're all heartless.

A tear slips down my face, but I still find myself smiling a bit at Garrett's supportiveness. I press the heart on his comment and continue scrolling.

iLydiaAyudante!: u wanna joke about anorexia when there are people KILLING THEMSELVES ABOUT IT. YOU ARE HEARTLESS AND SO FULL OF HATE FOR NOVA FOR WHATEVER REASON, WHAT DID SHE EVEN DO TO YOU?! YOU'RE SUCH A JERK TO THIS WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MASTERPIECE!! I mean, come on woodland high school, u can pick a better golden girl than THIS!

MarybelleRox: My cousin struggled with Bulimia :(, So so sorry, Nova. Don't let girls like Emma get you down.

I smile a bit more and read some more supportive comments before reaching another batch of unkind ones.

People calling me "dramatic", "freakish", "ugly", "a cheater".

My smile completely disappears and more tears fall down my face. They're right. I'm dramatic for not eating and worrying too much. I freakishly skinny. I'm hideous. I cheat by not working out...just not eating. I believe it. All of it.

Something suddenly shines brightly in the corner of my eye, and I look over to see what it is.

My razer blade, the reflection from the sun setting through the window making it shine.

Oh how satisfying it would be to watch the little blood droplets escape my skin...

Oh the sensation of justification it would give me...

Oh how much peace it would bring m-

CRASH!

I practically throw my phone across the room as I jump up and run into the kitchen.

"Mum!" I yell, finding her lying on the ground by the sink, "What are you doing?!"

Her breathing quickens as she gasps out the words, "I was trying to...help with t-the...dishes."

I sigh at this. Why...why does she keep trying to help? I can take care of myself!

I help her stand up and take some pain meds. Then I walk her to her bedroom so she can sleep.

"I'll take care of the dishes. Just...try and sleep," I explain as she winces and nods, "Oh, and Mum? The Placer's are having a campfire tonight. I think I might go."

She smiles at me one last time before falling asleep.

I sigh and turn to do the dishes, being extra quiet as to not wake Mum up.

Outside, I hear laughter and many voices. I move the curtains to side on the window just above the sink. There are kids, babies, adults, and teenagers around my age at Garrett's house. People from all around the neighbourhood were gathered together; around the campfire or playing ball out in the field by their house.

I quickly finish and run to my room, eager to go over to that house. I grab my big knitted crème-coloured shirt, and black jeans. This shirt is the only bright-coloured shirt that I'll wear. Usually dark colours make me feel comfortable and safe (other than the colour blue, of course).

Once dressed, I walk to the front door.

Then I start second-guessing myself.

There are a bunch of kids I don't know. There's food I won't eat. There's a game of American football...and I absolutely despise sports. Then there's Garrett.

And for some odd reason, the thought of him makes me extra nervous.

Instead of running straight for the house across the street, I just sit on the porch, watching the scene in front of me.

Because I can't help but being terrified to join in the campfire.

Thanks a lot, anxiety.