I'm sick. Though I'm not sick in the traditional sense, I am indeed sick. I am sick of many things. Things in my everyday life that make me feel sick to my stomach. They inflict pain, though not physical, it's pain none the less.
I am sick of my family being untruthful and living in denial.
My mother is racist, but she will never admit it. She thinks being racist is just hating a whole race, but it's not that simple. She groups everyone of the same race together and stereotypes them. To her they are all the same. In her eyes, all minorities are lazy, spend all of their money on drugs, and doesn't want to work because they can live off of the government until they are called to massacre the innocent. They are all bad people that are just here to get money and sit back and watch as the rest of us work for a living. She doesn't see all of the families suffering. She doesn't see how hard they work to have just a small taste of them freedom she was born with and takes for granted. She doesn't see the parent with four jobs just to make ends meet to provide for their family so their kids can have a better life than they did. She doesn't see all of the difficulties and challenges they have to face everyday that she could never even begin to imagine. She can not be wrong.
My sister always used to tell me how much she cared about me and when she got the chance she would save me from the horrors of my childhood. When that chance came she completely changed who she was to make sure she never had to go back, but she left me in the dust. Her promises were as empty as her heart for the rest of us that she left behind. She lies about her past. She makes the Hell we lived through seem like it was ten times worse than it was. She says that she was the only one that took care of me when in reality it was my other sister who practically raised me. She convinced people that my mom was the devil and my sister, Amber, was a demon, but in reality it was my father that was the devil and her own mind was the demon. She betrayed the ones who protected her for a new family. We have been replaced and so has she. She isn't the same person that she used to be, and I am afraid that she will never be the same again.
Amber, my other sister rides on a high horse behind thick walls years in the making. She makes it seem as though she is the only reason that I survived. She is the only one that took care of not only me, but the whole family. To her, she is the responsible one. She is why we have a roof over our head and food in our stomachs. She keeps her fake facade up until a tsunami of emotions spills over her high walls. When the dam breaks there is no stopping the flood. Anger crashes into her brain and out of her mouth before she can predict the outcome her venomous words will have on whoever is in earshot. Bullets escape from her lips and pierce the closest victim she can find and usually it is herself that she finds first.
My friends are not innocent when it comes down to being untruthful. They act normal around someone they hate until that person turns their back. Then they stab them until that are butchered. They say that they aren't ready for something yet they do it anyways. They don't communicate to the people they supposedly love when it is dire. They pretend to be someone they aren't to get people that wouldn't care otherwise to stay in their lives. They put themselves down until they are six feet in the ground and refuse to take the ladder that was built for them by the people that care. They act one way in person, but behind closed doors they are act like someone else. They misguide not only other people, but themselves as well. They unknowingly betray people by not being true to what they feel. They keep secrets until they bomb you with the truth.
Most of all I am sick of myself. I am calm on the outside while there is a raging storm on the inside. I refuse to let anyone get past my mile-thick walls because I know what can happen when you do. I say I'm fine when I am clearly not. I shut everyone out in hopes that they won't find the holes that lead in. I block out the things that I feel in hopes that if I don't acknowledge it it will eventually fade away. They do fade away, but only to come back stronger later on. I fake laugh and force a smile so the people that aren't as perceptive don't catch on to the battle between my head and my heart. My last brain and right brain are constantly at war with each other. I feel when I know I shouldn't and I care more than I should. I care more about my friends and family more than I will ever care about myself. I try so hard to make the people surrounding me to be happy that I forget how to be happy myself. I try so hard to fix them that I have left myself in pieces that are broken beyond repair. I feel hollow and numb most than I feel true joy. I torture myself over every mistake I make yet I do not pride myself on my accomplishments. I set my own standards to high to reach for myself but for others my standards are low. I except all of the bad things that happen to me because in the end I convince myself that I deserve it. I stress myself out over things that I shouldn't have to worry about and I push myself over the edge in hopes that maybe one of these times I would have remembered my parachute. I set myself up for failure and still expect success. I don't let myself move past my mistakes. They are my road block that stands between me and my future. They block out all hope like clouds block out the sun. I put everyone else's happiness before my own so they themselves don't have to feel that pain. I let my imagination get my hopes up when I know somethings will never happen. My logic tries to talk to me but my dreams scream over my logic. I put myself down so it doesn't hurt as much when someone else does it. No one can say anything worse than what I tell myself. I don't want to fake laugh or force smiles anymore. I don't want to feel the stupid emotions that I shouldn't have even experienced yet. I don't want to keep comparing people of my past to the people of my present. I don't want to keep ruining my chances by putting everyone else before me. I want to change but I am a prisoner of my mind and body. No matter how much I want to better myself I cannot bring myself to do it because deep down I think that I don't deserve anything good.
I am sick. Though I am not sick in the traditional sense, I am sick.
