My Sophomore Year

Chapter One : The Fall Musical

I'm Madilyn Peterson, but my friends call me Maddie or sometimes Mads, depending on their mood. My Sophomore year was, well... a lot happened. Some days it was amazing, but some days it was a living hell. Either way, I somehow survived the tenth grade. I guess that makes me qualified to tell you my story and perhaps show you what NOT to do at this point in your life.

My story starts in September of 2017, where I was auditioning to be in the school musical, which was 9 to 5. I had never heard of this musical before, but I was super hyped to go to auditions. Especially considering my huge crush that started the end of my freshman year, on this guy named Jake Kavinsky. He was from Australia and I thought he was pretty cute.
I'm normally the type of girl that's into the dorky drama students or the quirky choir kids. I try to stay away from the jocks and Fortnight addicted assholes. The worst part, is that it's always painfully obvious when I crush on someone.

Anyways, like I was saying, I had a huge crush on Jake and he was auditioning for 9 to 5 as well. I only needed to prepare 16 bars of a song, for which I chose Colors of the Wind from Pocahontas. I ended up getting into the musical as a member of the ensemble, and Jake ended up getting the role of Dwayne, the husband of Doralee (one of the main roles). I was low-key super jealous because his role gets a stage kiss, and the character of Doralee had to be played by Lucy McAllister. Lucy is really talented, but she comes off as super unapproachable and scary to a lot of people who don't know her. But I was just happy I got into the school musical and I didn't have to worry about callbacks the next day.

We started rehearsals and we were all sat in a circle of chairs that were placed on the stage of the auditorium. Jake sat across the stage from me, so every chance I got I would look up from my script and take a quick glance. He has dark brown hair, which looked quite bowl-like since he hadn't cut it in a while. He has darker skin, brown eyes, and glasses which he looked a bit strange without. He's taller, but he was a bit scrawny at the same time. He is the type of guy who would wear basically the same outfit every day: t-shirt, sweatshirt, worn-out jeans, and black shoes that seemed to have survived many years in the life of Jake Kavinsky. A lot of people assumed he was gay, considering he is a drama kid, and that he hangs around girls a lot of the time. But I ignored all of the steryotypes that were placed upon him and just saw him for who he really was. A nerdy, hilarious drama kid with a zest for life and not a bad bone in his body.

A few rehearsals went by and I had started to get over Jake because it was obvious he didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for him. But it was mostly because I had my eyes on a new guy, who was also in the musical and played the role of Franklin Hart Jr., who was the antagonist in 9 to 5. His name was Zayn Laghari, and he was a Senior. Not only was he in the musical, but he was in my Jazz Choir class as well. He has black hair, darker skin, he's taller than me but not by too much, (I'm 5'4" just for comparison). He dressed very nicely a lot, wearing dress shirts, vests, and casual blazers a lot of the time. Kinda grandpa like, but somehow it suited him. He was super sweet and hilarious to the point where I would cry laugh at some of the ridiculous things he'd say. He played a little flirtatious with me, but nothing serious or anything.

I looked over at him one day during rehearsals and I thought to myself, "Do I really have a crush on Zayn? I think I do?". It was the strangest thing because I had never liked an older boy before, and I didn't know him that well. Usually I become friends with the guys first and progressively start to develop feelings and ultimately lose that friend.

I started talking to him more and more during Jazz Choir, as well as rehearsals. I started seriously falling for him during tech rehearsals, and I was so terrified that I was going to end up broken hearted and just overall wreck my self-esteem. But he had never mentioned having a girlfriend and never showed any interest in the other musical or choir girls. He's the huggable type, and every chance I got to see him we would hug. It was a weird thing at first but I didn't care, because it was my absolute favorite part of my day.

Opening night was a breeze, but it was the second show that absolutely fucked me over.

It was after intermission and we were about to go on stage for the song Change It, and I was sitting on the foot of the prop bed that was set on stage right. It was where I'd normally sit before I'd go on stage, and Zayn would normally come around and hang out with me and he'd let me rest my head on his shoulder. He came up to me, and told me that he was "currently in a relationship". I started to tune out the rest of what he was saying, as I was too focused on the feeling of my soul shattering in a million pieces. I felt myself start to shut down, I started breathing really quickly and my hands started to go numb. I was having an anxiety attack. Zayn asked me if I was okay, but I liked and told him I was fine. He set his hand on my shoulder, looked at me for a split second, then walked away to go to the opposite side of the stage. As soon as he left, I quickly jumped from the bed and ran to the door that led to outside the school and stood there for a little bit. It was raining, and I couldn't cry, so I stood in front of that door with it partly open, so I could get some fresh air. Once I felt a little better, I thought about it some more and had the realization that I didn't tell him how I felt. He somehow found out either on his own, or someone told him. I ran up to Jake and told him the situation about him finding out. He was shocked and was as confused as I was. I knew Jake didn't tell Zayn because I knew Jake, and he wouldn't do that to me.

Once the show was over, I went straight to the dressing room, got changed and left straight from there. I couldn't face anyone after what had just happened. I was just mortified. I still had no clue about how Zayn found out I was crushing on him. I walked down to the street corner, crying, and thankfully it had stopped raining so I could wait for my mom to pick me up.

The next day, I knew I had to go back even though I felt sick to my stomach after the night before. I sat in the dressing room for a long time as the other cast members started to show up. I did my makeup, fixed my hair, got into costume, and then went to lay on the prop couch. Zayn eventually showed up, and the feeling of panic started to arise again. But he literally acted like nothing had happened and dealt with the situation super maturely. We were still friends, but I still felt terrible about myself and everything that had happened. My secret was out, and there was nothing I could do.