Imperfections.

1..

Life. 

One word with so many different meanings. Everyone I have ever spoken to say's that you should live every day like it's your last and to live with no regrets, but, they funny thing is you're told to live a life that you want, to live a life that you will learn to love but, there's so many regulations and rules that you have to follow, it's like you're a puppet and someone is constantly pulling on the strings, making you go the way they want. Like a show, you're the actor/actress and society and the law are the playmaker's deciding your ever move and thought. I think pretty much everyone can agree that at some point in life you have felt down to the point where you don't feel yourself and almost as if everything you do is just wrong - like you're a walking mess or a failure, I feel that everyday; the endless youth support groups, the endless doctors appointments - the never ending road to your death; all i know is mine is coming; however with being ill you would think doctors would be able to tell you when it's coming - even if it was a rough estimate? but nope, nothing, jack shit. 

I just want to be happy, but i don't even know what truly makes me happy anymore. I can't sit downstairs without being critisized by family, my friend's invited to parties more a less every night; getting drunk and wasted, the alcohol taking them to a happier, emotional and sometimes voilent world; letting them escape thier thoughts for a few hours, however to me drunken words are sober thoughts, and being drunk allows you to have this new found confidence to say what you really think either earning you a few friends for night and being the popular person of the party or gathering or a slap and a blood fight, either way it's amusing for the people around. 

"Sofia, it's 11:49 shouldn't you be asleep" My Mum say's strolling into my room like it belonged to her. "Yeah, just finishing this off" I say, before clicking the 'save' button and shutting down the old, beaten up laptop. "It's always that laptop with you," She sighed, pushing a long blonde curl behind her ear. "Don't forget we're going to the hospital tomorrow to see how well you're doing" She muttered the last part, trying to force that beautiful smile that she once had. I nodd, unable to look up, after all my own Mum was too afraid to say what she was thinking. I'm an ill teenager, a ticking time bomb, just one question that nobody could answer; when was i going to explode. "It's not like you make much of an effort either" I mutter under my breath. Her head soon shoots from the ground staring me down like i was some disgusting thing on her shoe. "Well, Sofia, if you actually made an effort with your family and what friends you have you wouldn't be so depressed or cold hearted" She spits back, turning the light off and shutting the door rather dramatically after her obseen exit from my room. 

 I sigh, there's never a winning with this family, i can't help that i'm ill, it's not like i asked for it either, 'cause believe me it's not something i would suggest anyone should sign up for, it's not like an after school activity, you can't just quit when you've had enough, you're stuck with it. Like an annoying younger sibling that follows you everywhere and you can't get rid of it, thats cancer - you're constantly reminded that you have it, there's no escaping it. 

I turn to my left side and look at a wall full of memories, the good old days as we call them. Day's when i wasn't worried about loosing my hair, worrying whether i could eat this amount of caloires or whether it would effect what dress size i would become. When it didn't matter about whether i was skinny or whether i happened to look like a bouncy hopper. When i could get on with my sister, when i had a friend i could call up and tell them to come round with ice cream and films. I sigh and blink the tears away, pushing my hair out of my eyes. "I miss the old me" I mutter, turning back to face the cieling. I look at the little lights in the corner of the room, my little night lights if you want to call them that. Im battling cancer but my biggest fear is the dark - Correction, im scared of what is in the dark, it consumes you and attacks you from all angles - there's not escape and no way out. It consumes your mind and thought's almost envoloping you in a wave full of your thoughts and opinions and you just can't escape them it's amusing in a way, like a battle between light and darkness becuase light always thinks its travelling faster than anything but it's wrong in a way, no matter how fast the light is traveling, it finds that the darkness has always got there first, and is always waiting for it to arrive, like its smirking at the light for being so slow.