Not Allowed

Dearest Abi,

Well, that was great, "Dearest" what the hell does that even mean? Anyway, the first time I saw you first day Freshman year, you frickin terrified me. It didn't help, I knew literally no-one and it was an all girl, Catholic high-school, but really! You practically screamed "I'm edgy" with the buzzed sides and the tiny puff of hair on top.

I certainly never realized we'd be stuck together the rest of the year, with Honors Bio and English and don't forget those exciting lessons in Jesus class. When we both went to the fall crew information session, I sat alone still having no friends, and you were there again, sitting a few desks over on your phone.

Then we ended up being two, of the basically four people, who signed up for fall rowing.

Like halfway through the school year, I realized, well maybe not realized, but stumbled upon the realization that I was bisexual... you being my first real crush.

The way you laughed and didn't give a shit what anyone else thought, I just wanted to hug and always be there. We had the best time rowing together this summer, but somehow I think you don't know I exist.

We only ever talk about rowing, except for when we don't, those are the best. When you go on and on about some ridiculous thing at six in the morning while we sweep bird poop off the dock.

Then when I start lecturing about the Battle of Bladensburg, or how amazing our summer reading books were, and you chuckle at how I get all worked up about symbolism and the such.

Then there's today, I was stuck in the library, doing some chemistry homework. When you strutted in, tapped me on the shoulder and mussed with my hair, have I mentioned how much I love it when you do that. You sat in the chair opposite me and started reading one of the summer books; which you still haven't finished, even though the test on them is tomorrow. I rolled my eyes you did nothing, but row all summer how are you not done.

A couple of minutes later I look up, and I see your face content, in my company and utterly perfect. You had let your hair grow out but still had that adorable puff. A while later you shifted positions and your foot touching mine, I froze. You bounce your foot up and down, so it kept moving slowly. You probably didn't realize my shoe was there. I don't know why, but I felt all tingly inside. It was almost like we were holding hands but with our feet, you probably didn't notice though. Then you looked outside, it was raining, you smiled, and everything was perfect.

I don't even know if you're gay, but somehow I've fallen for you and I can't get up. (I know you rolled your eyes at my awful pun.) Maybe I'll grow out of it, but we're Sophomores now and I guess stuff matters?

-Maggie