INT. MOUNTAINTOP LAIR
TARON gets off the PLANE and heads into SAMUEL’S LAIR, disguised as a RICH ASSHOLE. He manages to CONNECT MARK to SAMUEL’S COMPUTER, but then he’s spotted by EDWARD.
EDWARD HOLCROFT
That’s right, I’m officially evil now! Note that I too could still access Kingsmen headquarters if I wanted, it’s really a stupid situation.
TARON beats up EDWARD and RUNS FOR IT! Eventually he’s cornered by a million ARMED GUARDS.
TARON EGERTON
(over radio)
All right, Mark, are we allowed to realize the obvious connection NOW?
MARK STRONG
(over radio)
Yes yes, beginning head-explosion protocol. Just be careful none of that coma gunk gets on you, okay?
TARON EGERTON
(over radio)
Pretty sure the movie has forgotten that that was ever a thing.
MARK does some HACKING and everyone who was IN ON SAMUEL’S PLAN has their HEAD EXPLODE in COLORFUL, GORE-FREE CLOUDS OF NEON SMOKE AND SPARKLES, because the movie apparently is under the impression it can re-PG-13 itself. One of the EXPLODING HEADS belong to the UNNAMED AMERICAN PRESIDENT who is nonetheless quite clearly BARACK OBAMA.
TARON EGERTON
Wow, so this is a movie where the heroes are rich people who work free of government regulation, the villains are rabid environmentalists, and Obama’s head explodes onscreen? This is turning into something Rush Limbaugh would write to use as whacking material.
But SAMUEL'S HEAD remains UNEXPLODED, so he initiates the INTERNATIONAL FESTIVAL OF MURDER. People all over the world run each other over, throw each other out of windows, shove salad forks into ane another's eyes and so on.
TARON EGERTON
Seriously, Samuel, if you absolutely had to cull the human race, was it necessary to pick such a horrific, inefficient method? What's wrong with neurotoxin, hm? Or killer drones? Almost anything would be better. Oh, and what the hell were you going to do about the billions of corpses rotting in the streets?
THAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKTHON
I dunno. You might ath well be wondering how ekthactly I plan on thtaying alive after I let all the kidnapped thelebritieth go and they, no doubt, tell a hundred million angry thurvivorth everything I did.
TARON EGERTON
Or ask what good you and your friends expect your wealth and status to be worth once you've knocked the world back to a subsistence-level society. Look, if we point out everything that's wrong with your plan we'll be here all day.
TARON goes to KILL SAMUEL, but he is intercepted by SAMUEL’S NUMBER TWO, SOFIA BOUTELLA.
SOFIA BOUTELLA
Behold, my weapons of choice are my own prosthetic legs! They’re razor sharp, and while they might seem awkward to use, that’s only if you compare them to basically any handheld weapon ever invented.
SOFIA attacks TARON! He fends her off using VIRTUOSIC MARTIAL ARTS SKILLS that were NEVER SEEN IN HIS TRAINING, then he manages to POISON HER using a “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE”-STYLE SHOE KNIFE.
SOFIA BOUTELLA
Wait, did you just beat me in a stabbing-people-with-your-feet fight? Come on, that’s literally my entire thing!
(dies)
Finally TARON is able to easily KILL SAMUEL.
TARON EGERTON
Okay then! We stopped the in-progress genocide and saved the day, we can all relax now.
MARK STRONG
(over radio)
Er, what about the fact that millions of people were just murdered and most world leaders just had their heads exploded and presumably the entire world has just descended into chaos?
TARON EGERTON
Bah, let the closing credits sequence ignore that for us, I have bigger fish to fry. I believe Sophie said something about buttsex with Swedish royalty?
END.
