You always sat behind me in class.
Kinda inconsiderate don't you think? I mean, it prevented me from ever being able to stare at the back of your head and daydream about us being together.
Honestly, I think you were the first guy I ever truly liked rather than just had a crush on; yeah it took me sixteen years to actually find a boy I really liked (I mean... you knew the guys at that school... can you blame me?).
I think it was your eyes that first made me fall for you. They were this incredible colour, not quite brown but not quite hazel, with little specks of gold scattered throughout and damn were they gorgeous. Your eyelashes too, dark and thick and long and completely unfair for a guy to have.
But then I really started to get to know you. And I discovered that you were possibly the kindest and least judgemental person I had ever met.
Do you remember how we used to talk about anything and everything? Topics that ranged from dead serious to absolutely and utterly whimsical. The question games we'd play over text. The two person games of Truth Or Dare we'd play on SnapChat.
I know everything that happened is my fault. I was the one who got scared and ran before a proper relationship had even started. I was the one who fake smiled in our shared classes and pretended everything was normal.
I was the one who moved schools without saying anything.
And I'm sorry. Truly.
I wish I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes I made with you. I wish that we could have had a proper relationship. I wish that I hadn't gotten so freaked out at the thought of commitment.
I wish for a lot of things. But the thing I wish for most often? I wish we could still be friends. That I could still talk to you about anything and everything rather than the meaningless "oh we must catch up soon's".
I miss you. More than I ever thought I could.
Truthfully, I wish I had taken you to that dance instead of him. You wouldn't have ignored me the entire night. You wouldn't have made me cry. I know that now.
But he just felt safer. I knew it would never really hurt too much with him because there were no real feelings. He was using me just like I was using him.
However, you... you scared me. Because there were real feelings there. And should I have taken that leap and things not worked out... well I didn't want to lose our friendship.
Too late for that now though, right?
I'm sorry; I miss you; give me another chance. I wish I could say these to you but you've moved on. You're with her. It just wouldn't be fair to either of us.
I'm so, so, sorry.
